Leaving a Figure Skating Coach

Note from Ice Mom: This guest post comes from reader, mom to a male figure skater, trainer, and Advisory Board member sk8rmom. She wrote this in the comments of Ask the Ice Moms: Why Do Coaches and Parents Have an Adversarial Relationship? It's so good, though, that it needs to be a post.

If your situation is not working, and you have raised your concerns and met with a brick wall, then by all means make a change after careful consideration. Don't get stuck on a treadmill going to nowhere. The families I see that made a change were really stressed at the time, but have since been very happy with the decision.

I think that the "problem parent reputation" can be avoided if you:

1. Educate yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on. talk to other parents (though with caution). Listen to other people's experiences. USFS has handouts on these topics and blogs like this one and others are great resources to learn of other people's experiences.

2. Make a move with thought and consideration.

3. Don't hop from coach to coach. Do your research. Observe other parents and students working with that coach. Talk to other parents to see what their skater's goals are, are they similar to your child. Do the values that coach exudes seem to mesh with your child. Do you feel comfortable "having a relationship" with that coach. Are you willing to work on this relationship with this person. Does your child like the new prospective coach?

4. Close the old relationship in a professional way. Start the new one with your cards on the table. State what you need in terms of communication, find out if the coach is willing to work with this. etc.

4. Give the new coach a fair shake. Don't expect miracles in a short amount of time. Relationships take time to build. Skating is a journey, not an event.

One other thing that is very valuable is that after you have done your job and hired the coach, let them do their job. Step back and be the parent, not the coach. Trust them to get the job done. Support your skater emotionally and with praise. Their coach will do the rest.

Good luck!!! I wish everyone a great coach, each child and family deserve one!
- sk8rmom

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE! From reader, coach, and Advisory Board member Xan of Xanboni!: I would like to add that you should make sure you have paid in full the coach you are contemplating leaving. An ethical coach will not take on a new student if they owe money to the former coach (this is a stricture of PSA ethical guidelines). And don't think you can hide this information, because the new coach will ask the old one, if they're smart. This is just smart -- if they didn't pay the old coach, what's your guarantee they will pay.


Have you ever switched coaches? What made you reach that decision? How did it go? How's life at the rink - awkward or O.K.? Is your figure skater happier? Let us know - you can comment anonymously, we don't mind!

Update: From reader Anonymous: I have switched coaches a few times before, and it was mostly because of scheduling or one coach moving away, etc. One thing I learned is that you must tell the old coach you are switching, and give them somewhat advanced notice. It is a little awkward, but just smile and say hi to new and old coaches and everything will be fine. They are used to it, honestly. People are always switching.

Update: From reader jumpingbeanmom whose daughter just switched coaches: [...] But once I decided and once I got the yes from the new coach that my daughter could go the their team, I didn't toil, make excuses or draw out telling old coach- I just went and said "I think this is what is best for jumpingbean" and left it at that- more like tearing off a bandaid!

Update: From advisory board member Seasonedsk8rmom: I researched changing coaches and realized that I can not compare my daughter to what other skaters are doing. My daughter's coach is also very good at knowing what her strengths and weaknesses are as a coach and when she sees that one of her skaters is not grasping a skill under her instruction, than she will happily have the skater work with another coach for a couple lessons to get different perspective on the problem.

Update: From skater idratherbeontheice: We switched because the previous coaches paid little attention to me, were often a little harsh, and did not know how to teach very well. In fact, one of them was teaching me incorrect technique- something that is biting me in the tail as I work on axels/doubles.

Have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? Have an idea for a post you'd like to see? Know more than Ice Mom? Better yet, do you know about dip-dying figure skating dresses? E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

Ask the Ice Moms: Why Do Coaches and Parents Have an Adversarial Relationship?

This question comes from reader E.L.W. She’s frustrated because she observes that parents and coaches at her rink aren’t communicating effectively with one another. Here’s a bit of her e-mail:

My daughter isn’t only in ice skating (Basic Skills 7) - she is in a few other things like piano and school. What I find interesting is that her other teachers give the parents assistance in helping their child learn new skills, whether that be a checklist of what music exercises she should practice at home during the week or for that matter, homework. 

I took piano for 12 years.  I would never have shown up to a lesson without taking the time to practice during the week.  I took that practice mentality to figure skating only to find that something else seems to be going on.  I don’t know what exactly but here it is.

The ice skating coach has mentioned NOTHING for her to do between lessons.  It is rare if one of them deigns to speak to the parent.  The child is supposed to come out on the ice and wait until the coach finishes with the child before her and when that lesson ends there is another child waiting in the wings. 
This doesn't make sense to me.  I'm paying for her to be learning - not just for the joy of writing checks.

Ouch. Sounds like E.L.W. is pretty upset.

Here’s what the ice moms on the board have to say:

From Xan, who is a coach, a figure skating parent of a Jr. Nationals competitior, an adult skater, and the blogger at Xanboni!:

Perhaps they could ask the coach to choreograph a short number incorporating all the skills she's working on. Then she could practice that. This makes the practice seem more fun and she doesn't have to remember skill to skill, if she just skates the program she'll be using her skills.  The mom should also sit down with the coach every 4-6 weeks and ask for a progress report and a practice guide. There is often no time during lessons to do this, and no time between lessons for the conversation, which is a drag, but also a reality. Coach is probably more uncommunicative than is strictly diplomatic, but as you say this may be the culture at the rink, and the exigencies of the schedule.

From PairsMom, whose son and his partner won Jr. Nationals in Intermediate pairs December 2009:

Parents, Coaches, and skater must all be part of the same team.  If you do not feel that this is happening, try to communicate with the parents/skater, and if after time nothing has changed, then it is time to move on. There are plenty of coaches and hopefully there is one available at your rink that will guide your child towards success and enjoyment of the sport.

Talk to the skating director at your rink to see what the expectations are for that particular program. Ask her for suggestions on how to get the most out of it to benefit your child; it is YOUR money and YOU are your child's ADVOCATE in this situation.

From Ateam on the Edge, the parent of a skater son, mom of a skater Olympian, and blogger at Life on the Edge:

This is a classic struggle for control and it seems to be prevalent throughout skating. We saw it at the Basic Skills level and we saw it up until about a year ago.

Without going into detail, the one thing a parent has to remember is that the coach is an employee, not an employer. You pay the bills, and as it is in any workplace, there is a little matter of accountability. I think the biggest issue is that parents don’t set the ground rules early on. My suggestion: Have a serious conversation before a single blade hits the ice in a lesson. Outline a cooperative plan for communication (a “business plan,” if you will); do a “90 day review;” expect a year-end meeting and evaluation, goals setting for the coming year and a regular schedule of meetings. That doesn’t mean that a parent can intrude on a coach’s private time, make a ton of late-night phone calls or spam the coach with emails. A smart coach will value his or her time and charge an overbearing parent for that time at the same rate as he or she charges for lesson time. That’s just good business. A great plan, set and agreed to in advance, can avoid all that anyway.

I am not suggesting that this has to be adversarial at all. View it like any other vendor you employ and put in charge of something you value – in this case, your child. You wouldn’t turn your car over to a mechanic without knowing what to expect. You wouldn’t turn your business over to a manager without accountability and a plan in place. Why, then, would you turn your child over to a coach, who will be a huge influence on them both on and off the ice, without a business agreement and a plan of action? Proper planning produces preferred results with a minimum of misunderstanding and missed communication.

From C.L., a parent of a 9-year-old figure skater:

Switch coaches and rinks :) or she could ask her coach to put together a non-lesson practice sheet for her daughter. For example, type of skill and number of times she should practice it, for each non-lesson time. Also, an off ice pilates/yoga/stretching checklist would be helpful too.

From S.F.:

Does the skater have a notebook/spiral notebook for the coach to make a few notes on during the lesson? Then the skater would know what to practice before her next lesson and mom would have some info about what happened during the lesson. One tactic I have used until I get to know the coach is not hand the check to  Amy. This forces the coach to come off the ice to get their check. The parent then has an brief opportunity to speak with the coach.  

From Kel, a parent of a 9-year-old figure skater:

When we started with my daughter's coach, she actually gave her a binder which included her on- and off-ice practice lists, a tab for competitions, a tab for ice contracts.  I wonder if the parent has directly asked the coach what the student should be doing between lessons.  Perhaps, this coach does not frequently deal with newer skaters that would need this kind of guidance?  I can imagine that someone that more regularly deals with higher level skaters would not have provided my skater the same attention.  I'd just talk with the coach and tell her what you think your skater needs -- give her notice that you want a few minutes so she has time to talk.  Nothing worse than a parent that demands a bunch of attention when the coach has ten other things she needs to be tending to...

From S.G., whose daughter switched coaches last year. It was awkward.

I have learned from experience that when hiring a coach for your child you need to interview them first. And, yes, you are hiring them. How do they teach? Is there teaching style compatible with your child's? What do they expect from you as a parent and what do you expect from them as coaches? If they are not meeting your expectations, then you need to communicate with them. A majority of the time it will not be right after or before a lesson. You may have to call or E mail them. If you do this and things still do not get better, then you may need to find another coach for your child. With each experience you learn quickly what is important to you and your child. It is easier to be proactive rather then reactive. Good Luck!

From Ice Mom:

I know of a coach who makes a list of skills for the skater to work on. If the skater is a pre-reader, she includes photos. She takes the photos from competitions, prints them out, and shows the skater visually what to do.

As far at the communication problem, I have no idea why the coaches at your rink won't talk to parents. I know of a few coaches like that, but for the most part, coaches in the clubs Ice Girl skates in communicate with parents. It sounds like a rink culture thing, which is too bad. I would suggest breaking that unspoken rule and pretending you don't know it exists. After all, you're paying for this.

Update: From Sk8rmom, who is a genius. Want to switch coaches in a classy way? Scroll down the comments, find hers, and read the whole thing. It's terrific.
 
Update:  Great advice from reader jumpingbeanmom: Go ahead and ask! I do know that some coaches like to talk via phone etc. if they have back to back students. If you don't get the attention you think you and your skater should get, look for another coach. My girls have notebooks as well as a whole book of stuff from their coach with practice expectations and the like.

Update: From reader Idratherbeontheice who had a difficult coach. Or two: I don't want to sound too harsh, but I had a two coaches like that once, and me and my mom have both found that just getting a new coach is the best solution. My mom tried talking to them, talking to the head coach at my rink, and all other sorts of things, but it didn't help very much. We finally changed coaches twice, and lucked out with my current coach. Altogether, we've found that with some coaches, talking doesn't make a big difference.

Update: From reader Anonymous who thinks many coaches are divas: I totally agree with this parent. Our daughter is also in other activities and sports and none of our sports/arts experiences has been anything like skating. I am totally frustrated with the skating culture. I think skating has an archaic culture which puts the needs of the coaches before the rights of the parents. Figure skating needs to be more attentive to the concerns of the present day consumer.

I think there are a lot of diva coaches which naturally follows from their years of being diva skaters. They don't want to COMMUNICATE with the parents they just want to TELL us what's what. No questions, please, thank you very much.

Update: From Canadian reader Falyn S who is v. satisifed with her daughter's coach: My daughters coach made up a book with a daily practice log (which has everything from off-ice warm up, stroking, spins, jumps, footwork, combos, and solo on it with how many times she should do each session and my daughter checks them off when completed) [...]

Update: From one of my favorite commenters, reader Season Williams, a figure skating mom and an adult skater: Coaches that are worth your time and money will be more than happy to have a meeting with you or speak with you over the phone. If you have a coach who is not willing to speak with you directly (in-person or by phone) than you should consider getting a new coach. 

Do you have any suggestions for this mom? How do you make the practice thing work? How do you make the coach-parent communication thing work? Please include your experiences in the comments!

Do you have a question for Ice Mom and the Advisory Board? Feel free to suggest a topic or write a guest post and share your wisdom, too! E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.  

How Much Figure Skating Ice Time Is too Much?

Note from Ice Mom: As always, the readers of this blog have left terrific comments. The Updates below contain snippets from those comments. Check out the full comments section for the readers' generous sharing of experience and wisdom. Please share your own experiences, too! Thank you, readers!

Please see below for a thank-you from Cathy for all of your comments.

Cathy, who is a new ice mom, sent me this question:

My daughter (9 years old) has been taking private lessons for only a few months. We have been informed by our coach that she will need to practice at a minimum 4-5 days per week, 6 being optimum. Since I work fulltime, the only time I can get her to the ice is a 6 a.m. She would then leave to go directly to school - eating breakfast in the car. My daughter seems willing, but I feel as though it is too much to ask of a 9-year-old. What comments do you or your readers have about my concern? Has anyone done this with a young child and has advice?

I want her to advance and become accomplished in the sport, but we have modest ambitions overall - no desire to raise a national champion. However, sometimes it seems that there is no middle ground to be had in figure skating. It's an all or nothing commitment.

Here’s what Ice Mom’s Advisory Board has to say:

C.L.: This is really the dilemma in our sport. Where is the middle ground? If national skating is not the goal, is it necessary to skate six days a week? Maybe if your child wants to be the best at his or her current level, it is. Natural talent does go a long way, too. I've seen a lot of wonderful skaters that skate two times a week for a couple of hours.

Each family and child is different. My daughter would never survive 6:00 a.m. ice on a daily basis (neither would I), but then again I know some of our members whose kids are early birds and probably wouldn't have any issues with that. I do think that's a lot to ask of a nine-year-old if you’re not planning on being serious regional/sectional/national competitors. Some coaches only want the best of the best...those skaters and parents who are willing to sacrifice sleep, money, and time. Other coaches are more flexible...allowing for a slower progression. As with any sport...the more time you spend doing it the better you get, but that doesn't mean someone who spends less time still won't be better than you

Ice Coach: Bottom line: if that’s the coach’s standards and the family isn't ready for that commitment yet, find a different coach with values/goals that match your skater’s. That’s really the only option here in my opinion.

kel: Different coaches have different requirements of ice time. When we started with our coach (my daughter was 7), she skated two hours a week -- one during her private lesson, and one hour during Learn to Skate. Now that she is 9, she skates maybe 3 hours a week. I'm aware of other coaches that require their skaters to skate 10 hours a week (twenty during the summer). Certainly, other skaters have progressed more quickly than she, but she's happy with how she's doing as am I. So, I think this is a matter of different coaches have different requirements -- this of course results in different speed in a skater's progression.

As far as 6am ice goes, I'm a fan. Gets it out of the way early in the day -- as long as your daughter is an early bird. We did 6am skates for a while and I felt that it was better for my daughter than later evening skates, when she was just too tired.

Xan of Xanboni!: Crazy, I literally JUST put up a post about this, in response to a reader request. It's the latest post, but it also refers to this one: http://xan-boni.blogspot.com/2009/10/yes-please-practice-why-are-we-even.html about how to judge amount of practice needed.

More specifically, if this girl has been skating "a few months" she cannot possibly be any further along than low freestyle and that's a stretch unless the coach has been "cutting" her up. Nine years old is a little young to handle early morning ice on her own, but not unheard of. If she is planning to go after a high-level competitive career, then sure, 4-6 days a week is not unreasonable. But it's hard to see them having made that judgment this early on.

Really need more information, including skating level, whether the coach is proposing just practice or additional lessons, and whether the girl is also taking classes. If the child is willing to do this and follows through without complaining (much), the family can afford it, and the skater seems happy and progressing, it's not completely out of line.

HOWEVER, my initial reaction was that this family is heading for burnout. They need to build it more slowly.

S.F.: How many private lessons per week is this mom paying for? My daughter's coach prefers an equal amount of practice to lesson time. (ie 30 min lesson 30 minutes practice) At this time with synchro, homework and school activities we aren't doing a lot of practice. Just lessons.

I can say that when my daughter doesn't put in the practice time in to go with the lessons it takes twice as long for her to achieve her goal.

Mom, skater and coach need to reach a happy medium. Mom and skater also need to decide how big a commitment/investment that they want to make.

I think that skating is something that is very individual and the level of commitment is the based on the desires of the skater and the parent willing to put the time and money in to the lessons and practice. If the Mom doesn't want do the high level of commitment that the coach wants then she will need to tell that coach that we are not ready for that type of commitment.

Ice Mom: Ice Girl skates three times a week at 6 a.m. and I won't lie to you: it's hard. She eats breakfast in the van and dresses in the van, too. Ice Girl started this nonsense when she was 12 and it's been almost 2 years that we've been doing it. I, too, have this whole work thing I do during the day and sometimes it's challenging for me to get Ice Girl to the rink, especially during the summer when the only ice is from 8 a.m. - 11 a.m. Really. Do these people work? For us, it takes a lot of networking and car pooling to pull it off.

Pros:

• You get practice over with and have your nights free (well, until 8 p.m. when you go to bed)
• Ice Girl says she's wide awake for school and can concentrate better
• The ice is usually not as packed as afternoon sessions, which makes it less stressful for a new skater.
• It fits in a work schedule.

Cons:

• It's 6 a.m.!
• Possible zombie kid and parent
• Wrestling with bed times

I think your coach is telling you that your daughter needs to practice so often so that the skills she's learning will stick with her and she'll advance. Really, it's a good use of your money to have a fresh lesson every time your daughter sees her coach rather than reviewing the same stuff over and over.

However, kids, especially young kids, have trouble focusing during practice ice and often skate aimlessly around for an hour without much focus. Having more lessons with the coach ensures that your daughter is using that expensive ice time well and improving her skills.

What really struck me when I read your e-mail was that your coach is insisting on this number of hours. Perhaps your coach isn't a good fit for your daughter's goals. Does the coach know that your daughter wants to be more laid back in her training? You might want to have that conversation with her. If she doesn't accept your daughter's goals, you might ask her to recommend a coach that would be a better match. You don't want to pay a lot of money for ice and lessons you don't want, and you don't want your daughter and coach to become frustrated with one another because one's pushing and the other is resisting.

Update: This is from Cathy, the ice mom who posed the question for this post. She e-mailed me this thank-you that I want to share with you:

I'd like to express my appreciation to you, your advisory board and readers.

Thank you all for generously sharing your experiences, what a pleasure it was to read your comments! When we first began figure skating we were presented with a well intentioned but very serious  approach to the sport. It was all so intimidating. Although my daughter loved to skate, the pressure to practice and master new skills was draining the fun out it. Often on the way home from the rink I  ould wonder if we had what it takes to pursue figure skating. I agree with Xan that we were heading for a burnout.

To read about the different ways others have been able to successfully weave figure skating into their lives has been a revelation. I especially enjoyed the perspective from the young skaters. So much of what was said rang true. It¹s not all or nothing ­ there is a middle ground if we choose to stake it out. I now feel confident that we can meet our goals and make a plan for our daughter that is sustainable, and most importantly - more enjoyable!

Thanks again to all your readers for such great advice!  

Update: From reader Anonymous: My IG has been skating in a learn to skate program since age 3. [...] At age 9 we now average 4 hours per week. [...] We entered our first competition this past weekend. She can't wait till her next one!! Had I pushed her faster sooner she may not love the sport as much as she does now.

Update: From reader Helicopter Mom: [...] my daughter has been skating for 4 years! I think if they told me I needed to get her there at 6 am when she'd only been in private lessons for a couple of months, I would have lost my mind! I KNOW she wouldn't still be skating now.

Update: From reader Alice in Wonderland: Every session I check in with her (want to skate more/less/same) and she lets me know! We're being supportive, and at times I think I'm crazy, but when I watch her I see the joy she has when she's skating on her own and trying that "stupid axel"

Update: From reader Anonymous: Our coach is a very high level coach. She takes skaters to Jr. Nationals and Nationals just about every year. But when I ask her about amount of time to practice at first. She said" just let her have fun." If your skater is having fun out there, she will ask for more. If she really wants to learn new skills, she will ask for more. Then it's up to you and your checking account to make the finial decision on what's too much.

Update: From reader Anonymous (this whole comment is fabulous): My daughter has been skating the "early shift" for thirteen years. I actually found it was easier to keep to this schedule when we did it every day (but Sunday), because we were able to adapt better when bedtimes were consistent throughout the week. My daughter was/is a competitor and (almost) never complains about the early hours.

Update: From reader Jozet at Halushki:  Here's my advice: talk to your skater and first figure out what her goals are and then start breaking it down - a year goal, a monthly goal, a goal for the week, a goal for each lesson/practice. Then start with the amount of ice time that makes you all the least crazy and see if it's a good match for your daily and weekly goals. Give it a month or so. If your skater is chomping at the bit or hitting a plateau, add an ice session. If your skater is doing well and achieving her daily/weekly goals, stick with what you're doing.

Update: From reader Rosalie: As to the age concern, I think what is and what is not right for a skater has less to do with their actual age and more to do with their maturity level. If a skater can handle so much practice and early ice time, it can give them good life skills in the future, such as sticking to a routine, setting goals, and learning how to manage themselves, which a skater who only has lessons won't learn. However, if it only stresses your skater out, you see a decline in their grades or happiness, or they start to lose sight of their priorities, it might be too much too soon.

Update: Excellent and detailed training information from reader Season. This entire comment is worth a good read. However, here's an exerpt from the very end: I hope this helps explain why a choach asks a skater to skate 4-5 days a week. The coach knows and understands the amount of skills they will be required to teach your skater to compete sucessfully and they what to make sure your skater has enough practice time to help the coach move quickly through the skills being taught and to give your skater confidence when they are competing.

Update: Wise advice from Anonymous who has seen meltdowns: I think schedule-wise you HAVE to do what's best for your kid and not go overboard for where there are with their skating.  Years ago, we also had an "ice friend" that was, at the age of 7 (and skating at Basic 8 moving to low beginner freestyle level), skating every day before school, 3 days a week after school and 2-3 hours each on Sat and Sun. And she had 4 coaches because that was the only way to get that many lessons. That was one very unhappy child and her mom just couldn't figure out why her skater couldn't stay focused on the ice!

Update: Excellent advice from reader Season about coaches, synchro, and dance: I will say again I do highly recommend having all skaters that are working on Basic Skills through Intermediate MIF work with an ID coach and learn ID because it will help your skater progress through their MIF faster and they will have more confidence and be able to present their FS programs with grace and extention.

I also would recommend lower level (Basic Skills through Juvenile FS)skaters to try synchronized skating for at least 1 year because it will make them a stronger skater and a faster skater. They are required as part of being on a team to do their best to skate up to the level of all the skaters on the team. If you have a skater that is a weak skater and you want them to become stronger, faster, and progress faster then have them join a synchronized skating team for at least 1 year. When they progress to Juvenile level (qualifying level) or higher and they want to focus on one skating discipline then you would want to encourage your skater to choose which discipline of skating they want to focus on.
How much figure skating ice do you think is too much? Is there such a thing as too early or too young? Do you have advice for this mom?

Do you have a question for Ice Mom and the Advisory Board? Do you have a guest post you'd like to share? E-mail Ice Mom: icemom.diane@gmail.com

Gifts for Figure Skating Coaches

Reader Tricia sent me this question:

My daughter's coach is wonderful! She is great with all kids, especially young ones and is always doing things for them, little gifts, free dresses she sews, does their hair at competitions, etc. Is there any protocol for thanking coach for all they put into the competition? I know we pay for her services, gas, etc., but typically do skaters give their coach anything after a competition? Any suggestions for Christmas? Just want her to know how much we appreciate her and how enjoyable she is making this experience for me and my daughter without going overboard.

I asked my Advisory Board to weigh in on the gifts question. I'm sure that traditions vary from region to region, so here's a sampling of what figure skating parents are giving coaches this holiday season.

Utility, not price.

Ice Coach: I have received lotions, gift cards to Starbucks, or to eat at different places, and candy. They’re typically nice things, but not too high dollar. They are very much appreciated.

Sk8nMom: Our Ice Coach always wears mittens and scarves and often a hat at the rink, so we have expanded her collection of those items. I also know that our Ice Coach was uncomfortable receiving expensive gifts, so I always tried to keep things in the “small but thoughtful” category.

Kel: I try to do something not too expensive ($20-25, max.) I’ve tried to make it something the coach would for sure use (i.e. a gift certificate to a coffee shop, a box of chocolates, homemade cookies, bread, or something) or something that could potentially be re-gifted if she hated it (scented candles, a jazz CD).

Jill: I had one student who gave me my favorite chocolate-covered nuts every year for Christmas. Another student, after hearing me complain about my cold, achy feet, gave me a foot care and pedicure kit. (That was so cute; she same up with the idea on her own.) For the coach who does the skater’s hair, maybe a supply of ponytail holders, bobby pins, hairspray, etc. If the coach cuts the skater’s music, a supply of blank CDs (with cases) would be a suggestion.

Ice Mom: We’ve given Ice Coach a shrug that Ice Girl has made out of Polartec fleece from Jalie pattern #2558. It’s a pretty easy pattern, especially for novice sewers, and it’s warm, too. Of course, Ice Coach knew something was up when I brought out my measuring tape and took her measurements.

Skate-related items.

Kel: I have tried to stay away from “skating” related things because I figure [the coach] has enough of that.

Mommia: I am sure [coaches] already have every skate-related item out there (and probably duplicates).

Souvenirs.

Sk8nMom: We really appreciated all the time and patience [the] coach had put into getting [our daughter] to [this level], and we were so disappointed that Ice Coach couldn’t make the trip to [the competition] with us. We bought a fashionable fleece vest to show her we were thinking of her. We gave it to her when we returned from the competition.

Jill: At one competition, the mother of one of my students purchased a sweatshirt for me from the vendors. It had the competition logo on the front and the list of all the competitors on the back. She paid extra to have a rhinestone put next to the names of all of my students at the competition. I though it was a very thoughtful gift (and useful, as it was REALLY cold at the rink.)

Take up a collection.

PairsMom: For Christmas and Birthdays we (the parents) usually take up small donations (maybe $10 per skater) and give [the coach] a gift card to her favorite spa for a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, etc. We give her husband, who coaches with her, a car wash gift card, restaurant gift card (must serve steak! Ha ha). [It] can be tricky to get e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers of parents, but most are willing and happy to participate because they have no idea what to do on their own.

By the way, congratulations to PairsMom's son and his partner. They qualifed for nationals a couple of weeks ago!

Photos.

Ice Mom: When I buy the photo CD from an event, I make sure that I create five piles of photos: three for the grandmas, one for the photo album, and one for Ice Coach.

Sherry: My daughter’s skating coach also mentioned she enjoyed getting […] pictures of her students. She is the skating director at our rink and puts the pictures on her desk.

Special occasion gifts?

Kel: I occasionally also give [the coach] unanticipated “gifts” (f you want to call them that) of things that I’m sure she buys and uses with my daughter during her lessons: a big pack of tissue packs, hand warmers, etc. These are more one-offs, kind of fun little things not for anything specific.

PairsMom: When my son was younger (age 10 – 14) he always wanted to give his coach a “thank you” gift at teach competition, much like a student would give a favorite teacher from school a gift for birthday, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Day, etc. He would choose a variety of small items and each one he picked out himself: Bath and Body Works stuff, potpourri, scented candles with some kind of seasonal theme, a coffee mug, etc.

Jill: Sometimes at a competition, if the coach has a multiple skaters competing, they might not get a chance to leave the rink from early in the morning until late in the evening. Bringing them lunch or some sort of snack is greatly appreciated. Even though many competitions provide hospitality for the coaches, it’s nice to have something different.

Thank you.

Jill: Say “Thank you.” That might sound kind of obvious, but it is sometimes overlooked. I once knew of a coach who didn’t charge any fees for test sessions until the one time when nobody thanked him.

Sherry: My daughter’s coach also mentioned she enjoyed getting thank you notes.

Ice Coach: I really love Ice Girl’s notes or thank you cards from the kids. I keep them all, and best of all they are free.

Update: From reader Skate Mom: Large dollar gifts call ethics into question. Respectable coaches bar these entirely. It's to their advantage not to allow their ethics to be called into question. [...] Basically keep any gift giving below fifty dollars and you're safe - that's the ceiling. Most gifts are around the $15-$20 mark. 

Do you give your figure skater’s coach a gift for the holidays? If so, what do you give? Let’s make a list in the comments!

If you have a question or an idea for a post, send it to me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

Hey, Mom. Stop Coaching from the Stands

This post is courtesy of Cap’n Obvious (left). However, some moms don’t recognize Cap’n Obvious, even when he’s staring back at them from across the hockey glass. This post is for them.

I’m sure every rink has one of these figure skating moms: she’s in the stands, behind the hockey glass, shouting instructions to her figure skater like: “Hold your landings,” or “You’re wide stepping.” You might even have seen this mom pull her figure skater off the ice to lecture the skater about edges.

Mom thinks she’s helping. I know she does. The truth is: she’s not.

Look, Mom. You’re not a coach. And if you are, you know better.

Your role: be your skater’s number-one fan. That’s it. You’re in charge of encouragement and making sure that your skater turns out to be a normal human being.

You are not to shout instructions to your skater from the stands, the hockey box, or the mini van. Mom, you pay good money to qualified coaches for that instruction. Do not interfere. You are in charge of mental health and a normal life. And driving. And paying the bills. But not coaching. Coaching is for coaches. Skating is for skaters. Parenting is for parents.

Mom, your amateur coaching is harmful. You know that money you pay coaches? Well, if you’re coaching on the stands, add a lesson or two for the coach to undo your damage. Include some self-doubt in your extra lesson calculations for the complex you’re giving your skater. Your skater wants to please you, Mom, but also wants to please her coach. Whom should she follow?

You’re also pressuring the poor kid. Kids are not widgets that perform the same as other kids, learn the same way as other kids, or progress as fast as other kids. They are people, not gears or cogs. People are different from one another, so you can’t expect your kid to learn a jump at the same rate as some other kid. You can’t stress out because another skater has passed a moves test and your skater hasn’t. Your sidelines coaching puts pressure on your skater and will delay her progress instead of furthering it. Plus, she’ll never feel free to make mistakes and learn from them. Add some extra professional coaching lessons to compensate for that, too.

Your in-the-stands coaching is also pretty awkward. Shouting from the stands distracts other skaters. They worry about the pressure you’re putting on their friend, but they also worry that maybe their moms will think that amateur coaching is a good idea, too. Moms who recognize that in-the-stands coaching is a no-no look away from you when you shout and move their blankets to another part of the bleachers.

Some of you might feel your skater traps you into the amateur coaching role. I’ve seen skaters ask Mom how a spin or jump looked. Mom struggles to say something intelligent, but that’s where it all goes wrong.

Here’s what you say, Mom, when your skater asks you for feedback, “It looked great, honey. You’ll have to show your coach.”

Stick to the script, Mom. Deviating from the script leads to long-term trouble with amateur coaching. Resist. Be strong. Smile, nod, and wave the kid back out on the ice.

That’s not to say that parenting from the stands isn’t a good thing. It’s a fabulous thing. Want to parent from the stands? Here’s how:

1. Watch your skater and give her a periodic thumbs-up.
2. Sit with other moms and clap for every skater when each one finishes a program.
3. Smile and nod whenever your skater asks for feedback or approaches the hockey glass for a conversation. Do not say anything; just keep smiling and nodding.
4. When your skater stands around at the boards and chats with friends, wave her over, give her a stern look, and make a skating motion. It’s perfectly fine for Mom to tell skaters to use their ice time well.
5. You can do anything the coach authorizes you to do. I’m authorized to do a ride ’em cowboy motion whenever Ice Girl does a rodeo arm movement with her lutz. That’s great fun, I tell you.
6. Be your skater’s biggest fan. Watch her and let her know that what she’s doing is important and interesting.
7. Hugs and love. When skater comes off the ice in tears, offer the hug. When skater comes off the ice with a smile, offer the hug. 

Update: Counterpoint from reader Anonymous (thanks, Anony!):

I agree with you coaching from stand with so many people around will probably do more harm than good. but I think you go too far by saying parents shouldn't make any technical comments on any or most circumstances.

I am sure there are parents out there who played gymnastics, ballet or even ice skate etc... who have some valuable experiences who can share with their kids ... like how to rotate the body efficiently, how to transfer weight properly etc... I believe they are qualify to comment on the skaters. Of course it doesn't mean they becomes an authority higher than than the coach.

What I am trying to say is, no one should feel guilty by DEEPLY participating in your child's sports. If you have previous experiences in related sports, feel free to do it. It is a blessing that you can discuss with your child at that level. if you do it properly and respectfully, you can have a more intimate relationship with your child. I would love to see my daughter come to talk/share with me about the technical details of the jump that she knows I may not 100% understand but knows enough to chat or help her to spot the problem. Rather than having her thinking - "mom won't understand the frustration of my axel problem, I would rather talk to my friends."

There is nothing wrong with trying to understand and/or comment things like ... why your right leg is not straight while you are rotating or why your head you not moving to the left when you are in the air.

The only thing that you should feel guilty is...to undermine the authority of your coach or criticize/embarrass your kid in public.

Update: From the Professional Skater's Association's Ten Commandments for Figure Skating Parents: III Thou shalt not coach your child. You have taken your child to a professional coach - do not undermine that performance by trying to coach your child on the side. Your job is to support and love your child no matter what, and the coach is responsible for the technical part of the job.

Update: From USFSA's Parent Information: 10. Turn your child over to the coach at practices and competitions – don't meddle or coach from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Season: We also do not want to live our lives through our children. We as parents if we want to be skaters then we need to get out our skates take some lessons and get on the ice with our children. You can be more supportive on the ice sharing in what they are learning than you can ever be coaching from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Helicopter Mom: I AM trying to pay closer attention during her lessons (I used to sit in the warm room and read a book!) so that on sessions when she has no lesson (and I can pry her away from her chatty friends), she can't hit me with "I don't know what to practice!" So I try to see what the coach is working on with her so I can remind her that she might want to try working on that.

Update: Ateam on the Edge posted the profile of the skating parents we all try to avoid at the rink. Read about Dragon Lady and Darth Vader. 

So, parents, what do you think? Got a cure for the amateur coaching mom? Do you have a suggestion for sideline parenting? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

Would You Keep This Figure Skating Coach?

Thanks to my unofficial editorial advisory board: Ice Coach, Ice Dad, Ice Girl, Ice Friend, K.R. and C.L.

Please note: all e-mails below have been edited for length and usage.

A couple of weeks ago I received this question from reader L.L. in my InBox that said three things:

1. L.L. likes her daughter’s figure skating coach.
2. Competition problem #1: Skater and coach never practiced the compulsory at both ends of the rink. Skater was distressed at a competition when she had to skate at the other end of the rink.
3. Competition problem #2: Weird problem where Skater was signed up for an interpretive figure skating event and thought it would be her normal program.

L.L. wanted to know: So why didn't our coach know about these things and what do I do now? Do I fire her or give her another chance? Isn’t that one of the reasons you have a coach and don't do it yourself?

I conducted a poll of my informal advisory board and it came out 6 to 1 in favor of keeping the coach on.

Here’s what some of us said:

K.R.:

1. Yes, it's the coach's responsibility to know the rules – she should have known them.
2. Is this a new coach? It sounds like she must be. Learning is hard, and that kind of mistake is likely only made once.
3. I, personally, would give the coach one more chance assuming all else is good in the skater-coach relationship. If not, I would say that's a good reason to leave.

C.L: I think that the parent should have a heart-to-heart with the coach if she likes her. These seem like honest mistakes that maybe a newer coach would not be aware of. For the next competition, the parent and coach should review the rules together and schedule practice ice on the rink beforehand.

Ice Friend: I would say fire her, unless the kid wants to keep the coach. I know if it were me, I would not be happy, because it would make me feel like I’m not skating to my fullest. The coach should know about the competition’s rules, because they’re written in the competitions packets that they sign. It has all of the information, so maybe the coach read it, but she didn’t pay very much attention to the details.

Ice Mom: For me, the coaching relationship is more complicated than competition results. I look for a coach who loves to be on the ice, has good skating skills, is a good teacher, is nice to me and my kid, and is easy to communicate with. I want Ice Girl to do well at competitions and I sign her up for a lot of them. But at this level, I think that the competition thing is really about getting kids to understand what a competition is and how to mentally prepare for them. If your daughter freaked out or was thrown for a loop, that really didn't happen. It's obvious your coach let you down in the competition area, but you wrote that you really like her. Maybe the other criteria outweigh the competition fiascos. Maybe you're willing to take another chance with her because you believe she's a good coach and a good fit for your daughter and your family.

Ice Girl: Maybe the coach has really good skills and works well with the skater. I would sit down and talk with the coach, but I wouldn’t let her go just over this.

Most of us are willing to give this coach another chance, and that’s just what L.L. did.

Update: From Anonymous in the comments: I'm all for giving people a second chance, as long as you're confident that you're not being taken advantage of. If you think it was the kind of mistake you only make once, than give her another try. If, however, there are repeated missed details, then you should consider whether she is really serious about being a good coach. You need to be an advocate for your kids as well as a partner with the coach. Skating is too expensive not to be concerned about the details.

From reader Season: The main point of my post is that open communication with the coach is very important and if your coach is young and new to the profession she may need some time to get used to being a coach.

From reader Rosalie: One or two mistakes is fine, as long as they don't happen again, but you are paying your coach to help you/your skater progress, not to be your buddy.

What do you think? What would you recommend a parent do in this situation?

Work in Progress: 50 Ways to Leave Your Child’s Figure Skating Coach

Lately, I’ve had a lot of conversations with people about how and why to change figure skating coaches. I don’t bring up the topic – I swear!

I’ve learned a lot and I think a lot of parents would benefit from shared collective wisdom. Here’s a bit for you to contemplate, from Melissa in Florida:

I made the decision to talk to her [the coach] about a month or so ago and she just overlooked my concerns and said I was wrong and that was it. So for the next month or so, I watched other coaches at the rink. I watched their students; I watched how they interacted with each other. I watched how they progressed and if they were having fun. I found two that I felt would work well with a 4-year-old, but still be a forward-thinking coach. One that would be fun, too. (That’s what we all want right?) Well I found one in particular…

Do you have a story about switching coaches that others might find useful? If so, please e-mail it to me at icemom.diane at gmail.com. You can include them in the comments here, too.

I’ll be gathering your stories as well as stories from folks at the rinks where Ice Girl skates. When I have a good stack, I’ll compile them into a useful document that we can all share.

Sure, there are good guides out there for changing coaches (PSA has one), but I think wisdom from blanket-wrapped parents in the cold bleachers is the best kind.

P.S.: Ice Coach? If you’re reading, don’t worry: we’re not leaving you.

How-to: Choose a Skating Coach, Part Two

I was browsing Lifeskate.com and found one of Susan’s posts about how to choose a skating coach. She received three bits of advice from former competitive ice dancer and current coach. You can visit her post here: http://www.lifeskate.com/skate/2009/01/gary-shortland-advice-choosing-figure-skating-coach.html

1. Professionalism. The coach respects a student’s time and parent’s money.
2. Skill. The coach has the skills to take the skater towards the skater’s goals.
3. Love of ice. The coach loves skating, loves rinks, and is genuinely happy to be there.

That third requirement surprised Susan and surprised me as well. However, it makes perfect sense. So I’ll add this post’s URL to my first How-to Choose a Coach post (you can visit it here): http://icemom.blogspot.com/2008/04/coaches-choosing-good-one.html

Anyway, you want to pick the coach who smiles when she enters the rink and is eager to get out on the ice. Don’t pick the grumpy one for whom coaching is just a job. Pick the one who thinks of herself as the luckiest gal in the world – she can earn money while on the ice. How cool is that?

Even though Love of Ice wasn’t a requirement for me when we chose Ice Coach (or rather, she chose Ice Girl), we lucked out on that one. Ice Coach’s mom told me that Ice Coach couldn’t get enough ice as a kid – it was an addiction for her.

That’s the coach I want for my kid: the one who looks forward to 6 a.m. ice as fun, not work.

Coaches: choosing a good one

If you haven't read this article from the U.S. Figure Skating website, do so: http://www.usfigureskating.org/content/BS-coach.pdf

With that out of the way, here's how I found a private coach out here in the real world.

Ice Girl was taking Learn to Skate lessons at Madison Ice Arena. One of her instructors realized that this was a kid who wanted to be on the ice all the time. Ice Coach offered to coach Ice Girl privately as well. Ice Coach's rate is $34/hour, $17.50/half hour. I said I'd think about it, but Ice Girl had visions of spins dancing in her eyes.

Another LtS level, another offer from a coach. I heard two coaches talking - yes, I eavesdrop! - about how Ice Girl had been putting in tons of time and progressing very far without the aid of a private coach. Well, that got me thinking seriously about the coaching thing.

How did I choose Ice Coach? Well, she's fabulous on the ice and I've seen her teach. She's patient, praises appropriately, and corrects students. Furthermore, it turns out that Ice Coach was a student in one of my freshman English classes 12 years ago (boy, I feel old). If you've ever taught freshmen, you know what I'm talking about here: I know this girl. She was nice, quiet, and shy. A serious kid, but well liked.

Ice Coach also runs the LtS program at another rink, so I knew that she was organized and a member of the USFS.

I really lucked out, I think. Another mom went with a different LtS instructor. What I'm seeing is that the other instructor praises too much and corrects too little. Don't get me wrong; praise is important, but I think that getting the trick/move correct is more important.

Update (2/18/09): I've added a coaching requirement: must love ice. See additional post here: http://icemom.blogspot.com/2009/02/how-to-choose-skating-coach-part-two.html