10 Ways to Become Unpopular at the Rink

Friend and advisory board member R.H. once told me something like this:

The only people who are popular at the rink are those with no money and no talent.

Ouch. That seems harsh, R.H. However, I know people who have no money and kids with marginal skills who have made themselves wildly unpopular at the rink. I’m sure you know them, too.

1. The future Olympic parent. My basic skills figure skater is going to the Olympics. I can tell. My skater is amazingly talented and dedicated. Athletic ability runs in our family – we’re all gifted and we have our own trophy room. Well, yes, my figure skater’s been in Basic Skills for five years, but she’s pacing herself. Level Four is very, very challenging.
2. The solicitor. I hate to be the one to tell you, but as your friend, you should know that your skater’s figure skating coach doesn’t have good skills. She’s a low-level coach. If you’re serious, if your skater is ambitious, if you have a brain, you’ll switch to my daughter’s coach. You know, my skater’s figure skating coach passed her senior level whatevers and is rated a master fabuloso coach. All of her skaters go to nationals, at least twice. If you switched coaches, I’m sure your skater would have that jump by now. But, if you want to throw your money away, go ahead.
3. The golden ager. Back in the day, things were just great here. The sun was always shining outside, the ice was perfect, our figure skating club had so much money, everyone loved one another, and skating was practically cost-free. Ah, yes. Those were the days.
4. The expert. Judges, coaches, figure skating competition organizers don’t know what they’re doing. My skater is truly amazing, but the judges are against him. I tell you, judging is corrupt here. They’ll take just about anyone and give them a score sheet. Our figure skating coach is nice, but I don’t think that my skater has a tough enough program. I mean, he’s an advanced reader at school and in with students two grade levels above his. The coach should put my skater two levels up, too. He’s smart; he can handle it. And these figure skating competition organizers. Why would they set up the groups this way? Don’t they know that all of these kids are skating down? Didn’t they notice that kid at the last competition? I know he skated at a higher level. They’re stacking the deck on purpose so kids from their club win everything.
5. The club critic. If I were on the figure skating club’s board, things would be different. I can’t believe that the board wants us to pay more, volunteer more, and attend mandatory meetings. Isn’t that why we pay club dues? I pay for this, so I shouldn’t be expected to do anything further. That’s for the little people to do. I don’t have time for this. I need to get my nails done.
6. The parent of a gifted child. It took my figure skater just one lesson to land an Axel. Isn’t my skater fabulous? She’s only been skating three months and look! She already has her Axel. She’s working on her double Salchow, but, sadly, she only landed six last practice session. Your skater’s been working on her Axel, what? Eight months? Hmm. Yeah. Well, everyone at their own pace, you know. Not all kids are as talented as my skater. But, you know, she comes from a gymnastics and dance background. She was born at the barre, did I tell you? Funny story…
7. The agent. These low level figure skaters keep getting in my skater’s way. She can’t land her triple-twisty thing because of all these little kids. You know, she’s the only one who has ever landed that jump in the history of this club/this rink/this region/the world. We should have ice just for her because she’s so amazing. She’s the reason that all these little kids are joining the club, you know. They want to be just like her. The figure skating club should subsidize her skating because she brings so many of these annoying low-level skaters to the rink. She’s put this club on the map.
8. The rink stalker. So, who is your figure skater? Let me check my spreadsheet of all the skaters my daughter has ever competed against. Was she at this figure skating competition? Oh, yes, I see. It was last fall, No Test, and your skater placed third. Her scores were: 3, 3, 4, 3, 2. My daughter placed second out of eight skaters in that group. Want to see the photo? And two years ago, at that same competition, your daughter placed fifth in Basic 5. That time there were only five kids in the event. Oh, and here’s the photo. See? There’s my kid on the stand…
9. The sidelines parent/coach. Get your arms up, skater! Pull your legs in. That’s it. Now drop and give me five sit spins. Alright. Do your program. Quit wasting time! That program was terrible. Do it again. Watch me. This is how you should move your legs. I don’t care if your coach said something else. This is my money we’re talking about. Don’t whine to me about your pain. Wipe your nose, toughen up, and get moving.
10. The dream-on parent. Look, coach, I want my figure skater to place first at the figure skating competition next month. My skater should have new music and move up a level, too. No, no. I don’t have time to bring my skater to the rink for more lessons and practice. We can only get here every other Thursday, but this Thursday won’t work and neither will the next two. 

Wait! I forgot one!

The blogger. My husband has zero taste in music. Can you believe he wants our kid to figure skate to horror movie soundtracks? I should blog about him. My kid won't wake up. She's passed out in the van and people in the rink are waiting for her. I should blog about my kid, too. And you? Yeah, you in the blue. Don't tick me off, lady, 'cause I'll blog about you, too!

This isn't the definitive field guide to unpopular rink parents, but it's a start. If you can identify others, let's start a taxonomy in the comments!

Would you like to submit a question to Ask the Ice Moms? Do you have a question for Ice Mom, Ice Coach, or Ice Girl? Are you an expert and would like to share your knowledge? Want me to blog about you? E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

How-to: Deal with Ice Rink Bullies

Note from Ice Mom: The comments section for this post is awesome. Thanks, readers, for your advice and personal anecdotes. I'm sure you've helped a lot of frustrated figure skaters.

Hello, Readers. This post is courtesy of a reader who is having problems with higher-level figure skaters who are making her ice time miserable. Here’s the e-mail:

Icemom-

I regularly follow your blog and was wondering if maybe you or your readers could help me out with an issue I'm having. I'm 19 and started skating merely 6 months ago. I've come to skating from 15 years of dance training so I'm not struggling, and have a lot of family support in choosing skating over dance. I realise I've started far too late and am far too old to get anywhere besides competing in adult divisions- and that's the cause of my issue.

At my rink I have the earliest ice time, 4 a.m., with my coach. Straight after at 5.30 is an open figure session, where I work on what I've been assigned (at this point, edges, balance and jump preparation). However this is rather impossible as the 13-16 year old "senior" level skaters have taken it into their heads to taunt me and interrupt my practice by either stopping directly in my path, entering jumps or fast spins very close by. I've informed my coach, and she's seen this going on; however, she doesn't coach any of the girls and isn't ice marshal for that session, and so can't tell them off. She's spoken to their coaches who refuse to acknowledge their students are capable of such things. I don't want to move rinks because it would be far more travel and I would lose my coach.

It's at the point where I'm leaving the rink straight after my lesson to avoid these girls, because their actions and attitudes are too much to ignore.

I put this question out to my advisory board and here’s what we came up with:

Ice Mom: This problem happened to Ice Girl, too, especially when she was new. I think it has a lot to do with the culture of the rink. Fortunately for Ice Girl, the other coaches and the ice monitor were supportive of Ice Girl when an ice troll plowed into her and left Ice Girl sprawled on the ice. We were new to the club, so the other coaches and the ice monitor took the problem to the board and the board put the troll on probation.

However, it sounds like coaches and ice monitors aren’t supportive of you. Document a week or two’s worth of incidents and include details like the skater’s name, the problem, what you did to correct it, and the result. Approach your skating club’s board with your list. Point out how hard it is to grow a program if new skaters don’t feel welcome.

You pay the same amount of money as the mean skaters to be on that ice. You don’t get a discount if folks are mean to you. Fight for it.

(Ice Girl has since tried killing the ice troll with kindness and the troll has softened some and is nice back to Ice Girl. Ice Coach and I think that Ice Girl should leave the troll alone, but I.G. is a nice person. Nicer than I am, obviously.)

Ice Coach: I say: I feel her pain. Even if there isn't much her coach or the others will do about it, I would tell her not to give in. She has just as much of a right to be there as everyone else. Just because she is a lower level [skater] doesn't mean she has to be the one that moves out of the way all the time. She should stand her ground and make the others move out of her way sometimes, too. Or say something to them when they stop in her path like "excuse me." If she confronts it, in a nice way of course I bet the younger skaters will get the point.

Remember when [the ice troll] decided to jump on top of [Ice Girl and me] last year during a lesson? All I said was "excuse us." Of course, it wasn't the nicest voice, but guess what - she didn't do it again. I think she would just rather people ignore her while she stomped off.

C.L.: I think this gal should talk directly to the skaters in a non-confrontational tone. For example: "I just wanted to let you know that I'm uneasy if you get to close to me while I'm on the ice." "I'm not as experienced as you and I don't want to cause an accident." "I really enjoy skating but I'm concerned for my safety when you guys spin and jump very close to me." If that doesn't work then I would talk to the parents of the skaters.

PairsMom: If the coach has seen no change even after speaking to the other coaches about their student's behavior then it is time to set up a meeting with the Figure Skating director at the rink. This meeting should be brief (15 minutes) and if possible the coach should try to attend with the 19-year-old skater. Also, the figure skating director could post a list of Freestyle Rules and Guidelines on the rink website AND in the monitor booth. Each skater (and/or parent), regardless of age or level, needs to sign a freestyle contract stating that they will abide by the rules and regulations posted by the figure skating director, etc. Also, it might be helpful if the 19-year-old skater brought along some friends, other skaters her age/level to skate on the same sessions with her.

By the way: congratulations to PairsMom’s son and his partner, gold medal pairs winners at U.S. Junior Nationals in December 2009!

S.F.: I forwarded this problem to my daughter's ice coach and she suggested the following: This should be brought to management's attention. Coaches are supposed to be role models and teach more advanced skaters to be thoughtful of younger or lower level skaters. [Our rink] has rules posted and if they are not followed, we meet with the coach, skater & parent. If the skater doesn't want to cause issues, I would ask for the rink's freestyle rules first.

Bottom line: This is an issue of safety, etiquette, and money. No one should bully other figure skaters off the ice or jump so close that it's a safety issue. Take it up with the skaters, the coaches, the parents, and board/rink management. It’s not fair. Don’t let the ice trolls win.

The comments section is terrific for this post. Here's a sampling of what folks are saying:

Update: From Reader Heyfigureskate: This year, I have finally sucked in my pride and when [this skater] would perform a really nice move, I would say "Good job!" or when she would fall, I would ask, "Are you okay?" Since, when she comes to the rink (rarely) she compliments me as well. So a good turnout I suppose...

Update: From Reader Anonymous: All I can say is that you have every right to be out there and practicing. Believe me, they were beginners at some point. You don't need to be rude, but stand your ground.

Update: Terrific comment from Xan of Xanboni! (read it all in the comments section):  If you are following basic practice ice protocol-- don't stand in the middle of the ice, keep moving, hold to standard jump and moves patterns, yield to program run throughs and lessons, etc.-- just hold your ground. They will pull back at the last minute. If you are called on it you can either plead ignorance, like they are doing, or say, "oh I thought the general protocol here was never yield to another skater, since that's what always happens to me" (a wide-eyed innocent, yet subtly sarcastic delivery would be called for here.)

Update: From reader TNT: Sometimes newer skaters are a hazard because they are either oblivious to other skaters, oblivious to the rules (lutz corner, spin areas, right of way goes to lessons and those doing their program) or unable to get out of anyone's way because they lack the skills to do so. Not sure if that is the case here, but if so the skater should seek a different session until they are no longer a safety hazard.

Sometimes newer skaters are not accustomed to how close other skaters may be on a freestyle session, and that can be scary. It's not always harrassment; sometimes a newer skater desires a wider "comfort zone" but on a high-powered or crowded freestyle session that's just not possible.

Update: From reader Season: I used to skate when I was younger and I'm also African American. Unfortunately, racism was and sometime is still a big problem in the skating community. My daughter and I have experienced skating trolls since we have been involved in skating because of racism. Many Caucasian skaters that are racist feel that African American skaters have no business being on their ice or involved in their sport. They feel that skaters of other race bring down the integrity of the sport and they doing anything possible to sabotage your chances of being successful. [...]

[...]It is important to remember that skating trolls are breed and created by parents and coaches that are not considerate of other skaters. These parents and coaches do not and sometimes refuse to teach their skaters respect and common curtiousy. Another problem is that most of the skaters that act this way are skating more than they are able to socialize with other people that are not skaters. Their whole life is skating and they have no balance in their lives. They loose their ability to socialize and act appropriatly around people who do not skate as much as they do. It is very sad. Because after skating is over they do not know how to be a normal happy person. I hope this is helpful. Adult skater and skating mom for 12 years, Season Williams

Update from the ice-troll victim: I thought I would give you an update on the Ice Trolls and the situation. Upon reading your entry (thanks to your panel!) I rang the Rink Director (who also arranges the Figure Club), my coach and the 5.30am Ice Marshal to schedule a meeting, which is in a week's time. I have both written evidence, other skaters who have witnessed the occurances and also some video footage- taping your routine can turn around to bite you!

I also had something to say about some of the comments given to the blog entry- a few people thought I was on practice ice above my level. At our club, if you've been in lessons for 6 or more months and are a member of the club, you can use practice ice. It's called 'Figure Ice' and the only requirement is the novice Aussie Skate levels, no jumps or spins if you don't want. I am well versed in where jumps, figures, spins, etc are to be executed, and being a dancer I don't have a large 'comfort zone'. These girls are using physical and verbal bullying.I just wanted to clarify that we don't use 'Freestyle Ice'- maybe it's an American thing? But all is in action to hopefully have them stopped.

If not, I'll try IG's route and kill them with kindness :)

Update: From reader Rosalie who gets an atta-girl award: I've had to deal with bullying, too, and it wasn't because I was new. The bullying didn't start until after I had been skating for a while. However, other coaches, the Skating Director, and the Ice Marshals were not helping (even contributing) to the problem. Eventually, I went with my now skating partner to general management (who mostly dealt with hockey and employees in the box office, etc.) to talk about my problems. I still get the cold shoulder, but the rest of the bullying stopped.

 Do you have advice for this skater? Please share your thoughts or stories in the comments.

Do you have a question for Ice Mom? E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com. I'll do my best.

Gifts for Figure Skating Coaches

Reader Tricia sent me this question:

My daughter's coach is wonderful! She is great with all kids, especially young ones and is always doing things for them, little gifts, free dresses she sews, does their hair at competitions, etc. Is there any protocol for thanking coach for all they put into the competition? I know we pay for her services, gas, etc., but typically do skaters give their coach anything after a competition? Any suggestions for Christmas? Just want her to know how much we appreciate her and how enjoyable she is making this experience for me and my daughter without going overboard.

I asked my Advisory Board to weigh in on the gifts question. I'm sure that traditions vary from region to region, so here's a sampling of what figure skating parents are giving coaches this holiday season.

Utility, not price.

Ice Coach: I have received lotions, gift cards to Starbucks, or to eat at different places, and candy. They’re typically nice things, but not too high dollar. They are very much appreciated.

Sk8nMom: Our Ice Coach always wears mittens and scarves and often a hat at the rink, so we have expanded her collection of those items. I also know that our Ice Coach was uncomfortable receiving expensive gifts, so I always tried to keep things in the “small but thoughtful” category.

Kel: I try to do something not too expensive ($20-25, max.) I’ve tried to make it something the coach would for sure use (i.e. a gift certificate to a coffee shop, a box of chocolates, homemade cookies, bread, or something) or something that could potentially be re-gifted if she hated it (scented candles, a jazz CD).

Jill: I had one student who gave me my favorite chocolate-covered nuts every year for Christmas. Another student, after hearing me complain about my cold, achy feet, gave me a foot care and pedicure kit. (That was so cute; she same up with the idea on her own.) For the coach who does the skater’s hair, maybe a supply of ponytail holders, bobby pins, hairspray, etc. If the coach cuts the skater’s music, a supply of blank CDs (with cases) would be a suggestion.

Ice Mom: We’ve given Ice Coach a shrug that Ice Girl has made out of Polartec fleece from Jalie pattern #2558. It’s a pretty easy pattern, especially for novice sewers, and it’s warm, too. Of course, Ice Coach knew something was up when I brought out my measuring tape and took her measurements.

Skate-related items.

Kel: I have tried to stay away from “skating” related things because I figure [the coach] has enough of that.

Mommia: I am sure [coaches] already have every skate-related item out there (and probably duplicates).

Souvenirs.

Sk8nMom: We really appreciated all the time and patience [the] coach had put into getting [our daughter] to [this level], and we were so disappointed that Ice Coach couldn’t make the trip to [the competition] with us. We bought a fashionable fleece vest to show her we were thinking of her. We gave it to her when we returned from the competition.

Jill: At one competition, the mother of one of my students purchased a sweatshirt for me from the vendors. It had the competition logo on the front and the list of all the competitors on the back. She paid extra to have a rhinestone put next to the names of all of my students at the competition. I though it was a very thoughtful gift (and useful, as it was REALLY cold at the rink.)

Take up a collection.

PairsMom: For Christmas and Birthdays we (the parents) usually take up small donations (maybe $10 per skater) and give [the coach] a gift card to her favorite spa for a manicure, pedicure, facial, massage, etc. We give her husband, who coaches with her, a car wash gift card, restaurant gift card (must serve steak! Ha ha). [It] can be tricky to get e-mail addresses and cell phone numbers of parents, but most are willing and happy to participate because they have no idea what to do on their own.

By the way, congratulations to PairsMom's son and his partner. They qualifed for nationals a couple of weeks ago!

Photos.

Ice Mom: When I buy the photo CD from an event, I make sure that I create five piles of photos: three for the grandmas, one for the photo album, and one for Ice Coach.

Sherry: My daughter’s skating coach also mentioned she enjoyed getting […] pictures of her students. She is the skating director at our rink and puts the pictures on her desk.

Special occasion gifts?

Kel: I occasionally also give [the coach] unanticipated “gifts” (f you want to call them that) of things that I’m sure she buys and uses with my daughter during her lessons: a big pack of tissue packs, hand warmers, etc. These are more one-offs, kind of fun little things not for anything specific.

PairsMom: When my son was younger (age 10 – 14) he always wanted to give his coach a “thank you” gift at teach competition, much like a student would give a favorite teacher from school a gift for birthday, Valentine’s Day, Teacher Appreciation Day, etc. He would choose a variety of small items and each one he picked out himself: Bath and Body Works stuff, potpourri, scented candles with some kind of seasonal theme, a coffee mug, etc.

Jill: Sometimes at a competition, if the coach has a multiple skaters competing, they might not get a chance to leave the rink from early in the morning until late in the evening. Bringing them lunch or some sort of snack is greatly appreciated. Even though many competitions provide hospitality for the coaches, it’s nice to have something different.

Thank you.

Jill: Say “Thank you.” That might sound kind of obvious, but it is sometimes overlooked. I once knew of a coach who didn’t charge any fees for test sessions until the one time when nobody thanked him.

Sherry: My daughter’s coach also mentioned she enjoyed getting thank you notes.

Ice Coach: I really love Ice Girl’s notes or thank you cards from the kids. I keep them all, and best of all they are free.

Update: From reader Skate Mom: Large dollar gifts call ethics into question. Respectable coaches bar these entirely. It's to their advantage not to allow their ethics to be called into question. [...] Basically keep any gift giving below fifty dollars and you're safe - that's the ceiling. Most gifts are around the $15-$20 mark. 

Do you give your figure skater’s coach a gift for the holidays? If so, what do you give? Let’s make a list in the comments!

If you have a question or an idea for a post, send it to me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

Hey, Mom. Stop Coaching from the Stands

This post is courtesy of Cap’n Obvious (left). However, some moms don’t recognize Cap’n Obvious, even when he’s staring back at them from across the hockey glass. This post is for them.

I’m sure every rink has one of these figure skating moms: she’s in the stands, behind the hockey glass, shouting instructions to her figure skater like: “Hold your landings,” or “You’re wide stepping.” You might even have seen this mom pull her figure skater off the ice to lecture the skater about edges.

Mom thinks she’s helping. I know she does. The truth is: she’s not.

Look, Mom. You’re not a coach. And if you are, you know better.

Your role: be your skater’s number-one fan. That’s it. You’re in charge of encouragement and making sure that your skater turns out to be a normal human being.

You are not to shout instructions to your skater from the stands, the hockey box, or the mini van. Mom, you pay good money to qualified coaches for that instruction. Do not interfere. You are in charge of mental health and a normal life. And driving. And paying the bills. But not coaching. Coaching is for coaches. Skating is for skaters. Parenting is for parents.

Mom, your amateur coaching is harmful. You know that money you pay coaches? Well, if you’re coaching on the stands, add a lesson or two for the coach to undo your damage. Include some self-doubt in your extra lesson calculations for the complex you’re giving your skater. Your skater wants to please you, Mom, but also wants to please her coach. Whom should she follow?

You’re also pressuring the poor kid. Kids are not widgets that perform the same as other kids, learn the same way as other kids, or progress as fast as other kids. They are people, not gears or cogs. People are different from one another, so you can’t expect your kid to learn a jump at the same rate as some other kid. You can’t stress out because another skater has passed a moves test and your skater hasn’t. Your sidelines coaching puts pressure on your skater and will delay her progress instead of furthering it. Plus, she’ll never feel free to make mistakes and learn from them. Add some extra professional coaching lessons to compensate for that, too.

Your in-the-stands coaching is also pretty awkward. Shouting from the stands distracts other skaters. They worry about the pressure you’re putting on their friend, but they also worry that maybe their moms will think that amateur coaching is a good idea, too. Moms who recognize that in-the-stands coaching is a no-no look away from you when you shout and move their blankets to another part of the bleachers.

Some of you might feel your skater traps you into the amateur coaching role. I’ve seen skaters ask Mom how a spin or jump looked. Mom struggles to say something intelligent, but that’s where it all goes wrong.

Here’s what you say, Mom, when your skater asks you for feedback, “It looked great, honey. You’ll have to show your coach.”

Stick to the script, Mom. Deviating from the script leads to long-term trouble with amateur coaching. Resist. Be strong. Smile, nod, and wave the kid back out on the ice.

That’s not to say that parenting from the stands isn’t a good thing. It’s a fabulous thing. Want to parent from the stands? Here’s how:

1. Watch your skater and give her a periodic thumbs-up.
2. Sit with other moms and clap for every skater when each one finishes a program.
3. Smile and nod whenever your skater asks for feedback or approaches the hockey glass for a conversation. Do not say anything; just keep smiling and nodding.
4. When your skater stands around at the boards and chats with friends, wave her over, give her a stern look, and make a skating motion. It’s perfectly fine for Mom to tell skaters to use their ice time well.
5. You can do anything the coach authorizes you to do. I’m authorized to do a ride ’em cowboy motion whenever Ice Girl does a rodeo arm movement with her lutz. That’s great fun, I tell you.
6. Be your skater’s biggest fan. Watch her and let her know that what she’s doing is important and interesting.
7. Hugs and love. When skater comes off the ice in tears, offer the hug. When skater comes off the ice with a smile, offer the hug. 

Update: Counterpoint from reader Anonymous (thanks, Anony!):

I agree with you coaching from stand with so many people around will probably do more harm than good. but I think you go too far by saying parents shouldn't make any technical comments on any or most circumstances.

I am sure there are parents out there who played gymnastics, ballet or even ice skate etc... who have some valuable experiences who can share with their kids ... like how to rotate the body efficiently, how to transfer weight properly etc... I believe they are qualify to comment on the skaters. Of course it doesn't mean they becomes an authority higher than than the coach.

What I am trying to say is, no one should feel guilty by DEEPLY participating in your child's sports. If you have previous experiences in related sports, feel free to do it. It is a blessing that you can discuss with your child at that level. if you do it properly and respectfully, you can have a more intimate relationship with your child. I would love to see my daughter come to talk/share with me about the technical details of the jump that she knows I may not 100% understand but knows enough to chat or help her to spot the problem. Rather than having her thinking - "mom won't understand the frustration of my axel problem, I would rather talk to my friends."

There is nothing wrong with trying to understand and/or comment things like ... why your right leg is not straight while you are rotating or why your head you not moving to the left when you are in the air.

The only thing that you should feel guilty is...to undermine the authority of your coach or criticize/embarrass your kid in public.

Update: From the Professional Skater's Association's Ten Commandments for Figure Skating Parents: III Thou shalt not coach your child. You have taken your child to a professional coach - do not undermine that performance by trying to coach your child on the side. Your job is to support and love your child no matter what, and the coach is responsible for the technical part of the job.

Update: From USFSA's Parent Information: 10. Turn your child over to the coach at practices and competitions – don't meddle or coach from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Season: We also do not want to live our lives through our children. We as parents if we want to be skaters then we need to get out our skates take some lessons and get on the ice with our children. You can be more supportive on the ice sharing in what they are learning than you can ever be coaching from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Helicopter Mom: I AM trying to pay closer attention during her lessons (I used to sit in the warm room and read a book!) so that on sessions when she has no lesson (and I can pry her away from her chatty friends), she can't hit me with "I don't know what to practice!" So I try to see what the coach is working on with her so I can remind her that she might want to try working on that.

Update: Ateam on the Edge posted the profile of the skating parents we all try to avoid at the rink. Read about Dragon Lady and Darth Vader. 

So, parents, what do you think? Got a cure for the amateur coaching mom? Do you have a suggestion for sideline parenting? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

Figure Skating Sportsmanship

Last weekend Ice Girl competed in a small Basic Skills figure skating competition. A skater who has competed against Ice Girl a bunch of times this year entered the locker room with her mother and sister. Mom belittled, berated, and complained the whole time. She ranted and cussed, then finally went to sit in the stands.

Ice Coach and I exchanged looks. So that’s where the kid gets her bad attitude.

Indeed, according to a report by a team of researchers from the Universities of Missouri – St. Louis, Minnesota – Twin cities, and Notre Dame, researchers found that kids model their sportsmanship habits from their perceptions of their coach’s and parents’ behavior. And it doesn’t get better with age, either. Older kids are poorer sports than younger kids.

Later in the day, Ice Girl was skating her freeskate. The kid has an amazing straight-leg sit spin (she calls it spin-the-duck). It’s pretty cool.

After the event, Ice Coach told me that bad-attitude skater said while Ice Girl was spinning, “I hope she falls.”

It took my breath away.

I thought it might be a teachable moment for Ice Girl, you know, about sportsmanship. It turns out she was way ahead of me.

“Mom. No big deal. I’m fine.”

Well, I’m not. I’m on a tear and Ice Girl is completely uninterested in my preaching and ranting about bad-attitude skater.

So, I’ve been reading up on how not to create a monster. Here are some suggestions I’ve found:

• Develop the person first, the athlete second. That’s NCAA basketball coach John Wooden’s philosophy. “Coaching for character” is the primary responsibility of the coach. Coaching should emphasize successful character skills that have carry-over both on the ice and in life, Wooden said. Emphasize optimism, courage, patience, perseverance, effort, honesty, and responsibility.



• Don’t put pressure on your kid to be the best. Encourage your kid to love the sport and work hard.



• Be the person you’d like your kid to be. I’m not always good at this, but I try. I try not to be a sore loser when every man, woman, child, and dog beats me at any card or board game invented. I try not to be a poor winner, either. Of course, that so rarely happens that I’m too stunned to do a victory dance.



• Encourage hard work. This is from a cognitive scientist, but I think there’s carry over to sports. Daniel Willingham wrote, “Students who believe that intelligence can be improved with hard work get higher grades than students who believe that intelligence is an immutable trait.” When Ice Girl doesn’t do as well as she would like, I always tell her, “Just work harder.” Of course, she turns into a figure skating maniac before competitions and begs anyone who can drive to take her to walk-on ice. But, there are worse things than hard work.



• The best revenge is living well. Fine. I didn’t find this from any expert. This is my own naughty-ness, but I think it’s good advice. Concentrate on yourself and your own success. Don’t let the trolls and their tolls bring you down. Living well will shut them up, anyway.

Do you have a good tip about sportsmanship? Do you have experience with figure skating trolls? Feel free to share in the comments.

References:

“Raising a good sport.” Scholastic Parent & Child. Feb/Mar 2007, Vol. 14, Issue 5.

Wellman, Chris. “Positive Coaching: A Guide to the Productive Teaching of Athletics.” Coach & Athletic Director. January 2007, vol. 76, Issue 6, p 97-08.

Willingham, Daniel T. Why Don’t Students Like School? Jossey-Bass. 2009, p. 140.

“Youth Sports.” Education Week. 12/12/2007, Vol. 27 Issue 15, p5.

New to the rink? Learn the rules.

One of the clubs where Ice Girl skates has seen an increase in the number of figure skaters on the ice lately. A local rink is down for repair, so their skaters have been visiting us.

The more the merrier, I say.

Ice Girl agrees in theory, but she complains because the new kids don’t know the rules.

I encourage her to be welcoming, not scowling, but it’s true that skaters who don’t know the rules frustrate those who do.

If you’re new to a rink, here are a few things to do to make sure that skaters smile at you instead of growl.

Visiting figure skaters’ etiquette:

• Check in with the ice monitor. You might not have to check in with the ice monitor at your home rink because everyone knows you there; however, that’s not the case when you’re visiting. Make sure the monitor knows who you are, double-check that you’re contracted, and ask her how the rink works: where the jump corners are, where to do spins, and if there’s a rule about how music is played.



• Move. You might not have so many figure skaters on your home rink as in your host rink. The skaters at your host rink might be way faster than you are. Don’t stand in the middle and look stunned. Keep moving. If you’re not moving, stand at the boards for a very short time. Then move again. It’s a safety thing. Moving targets are harder to hit, so you and other skaters are less likely to go down in a heap of arms and blades.



• Go solo. Do not hang out in a group on the ice. You’re forming a wall and skaters have to skate around you. If you need to talk, do it off to the side.



• Respect the figure skater whose music is playing. At rinks in our area, figure skaters wear an orange vest when they’re skating to their music. Other figure skaters are supposed to move out of the way. It’s both a respect issue and a safety issue. You want skaters to move for you when you do your program, so move when they’re doing theirs. You also don’t want to be the one who causes a skater in her program to crash into you while she’s doing a Lutz or a backwards spiral. She can’t see you. So move.



• Say you’re sorry. Don’t interrupt skaters during their program to apologize for being a speed bump in the middle of their straight-line footwork. At some point, though, acknowledge that you were in the way and apologize for it. Then don’t do it again.



• Smile. This one’s for Ice Girl. People will get in your way, especially when the ice is crowded. Shrug it off and think about how lucky you are to have ice in the first place.



• For host club skaters: Be welcoming. Introduce yourself to the visitors and say something nice. Remember: these kids are bringing more money into your club and are helping keep your ice open. Be grateful. Someday you might be skating on their rink and you want to keep goodwill flowing.

Do you have some visiting skaters’ etiquette tips to share? Put ’em in the comments section!

Work in Progress: 50 Ways to Leave Your Child’s Figure Skating Coach

Lately, I’ve had a lot of conversations with people about how and why to change figure skating coaches. I don’t bring up the topic – I swear!

I’ve learned a lot and I think a lot of parents would benefit from shared collective wisdom. Here’s a bit for you to contemplate, from Melissa in Florida:

I made the decision to talk to her [the coach] about a month or so ago and she just overlooked my concerns and said I was wrong and that was it. So for the next month or so, I watched other coaches at the rink. I watched their students; I watched how they interacted with each other. I watched how they progressed and if they were having fun. I found two that I felt would work well with a 4-year-old, but still be a forward-thinking coach. One that would be fun, too. (That’s what we all want right?) Well I found one in particular…

Do you have a story about switching coaches that others might find useful? If so, please e-mail it to me at icemom.diane at gmail.com. You can include them in the comments here, too.

I’ll be gathering your stories as well as stories from folks at the rinks where Ice Girl skates. When I have a good stack, I’ll compile them into a useful document that we can all share.

Sure, there are good guides out there for changing coaches (PSA has one), but I think wisdom from blanket-wrapped parents in the cold bleachers is the best kind.

P.S.: Ice Coach? If you’re reading, don’t worry: we’re not leaving you.