Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ask the Ice Moms: Why Do Coaches and Parents Have an Adversarial Relationship?

This question comes from reader E.L.W. She’s frustrated because she observes that parents and coaches at her rink aren’t communicating effectively with one another. Here’s a bit of her e-mail:

My daughter isn’t only in ice skating (Basic Skills 7) - she is in a few other things like piano and school. What I find interesting is that her other teachers give the parents assistance in helping their child learn new skills, whether that be a checklist of what music exercises she should practice at home during the week or for that matter, homework. 

I took piano for 12 years.  I would never have shown up to a lesson without taking the time to practice during the week.  I took that practice mentality to figure skating only to find that something else seems to be going on.  I don’t know what exactly but here it is.

The ice skating coach has mentioned NOTHING for her to do between lessons.  It is rare if one of them deigns to speak to the parent.  The child is supposed to come out on the ice and wait until the coach finishes with the child before her and when that lesson ends there is another child waiting in the wings. 
This doesn't make sense to me.  I'm paying for her to be learning - not just for the joy of writing checks.


Ouch. Sounds like E.L.W. is pretty upset.

Here’s what the ice moms on the board have to say:

From Xan, who is a coach, a figure skating parent of a Jr. Nationals competitior, an adult skater, and the blogger at Xanboni!:
Perhaps they could ask the coach to choreograph a short number incorporating all the skills she's working on. Then she could practice that. This makes the practice seem more fun and she doesn't have to remember skill to skill, if she just skates the program she'll be using her skills.  The mom should also sit down with the coach every 4-6 weeks and ask for a progress report and a practice guide. There is often no time during lessons to do this, and no time between lessons for the conversation, which is a drag, but also a reality. Coach is probably more uncommunicative than is strictly diplomatic, but as you say this may be the culture at the rink, and the exigencies of the schedule.

From PairsMom, whose son and his partner won Jr. Nationals in Intermediate pairs December 2009:
Parents, Coaches, and skater must all be part of the same team.  If you do not feel that this is happening, try to communicate with the parents/skater, and if after time nothing has changed, then it is time to move on. There are plenty of coaches and hopefully there is one available at your rink that will guide your child towards success and enjoyment of the sport.

Talk to the skating director at your rink to see what the expectations are for that particular program. Ask her for suggestions on how to get the most out of it to benefit your child; it is YOUR money and YOU are your child's ADVOCATE in this situation.

From Ateam on the Edge, the parent of a skater son, mom of a skater Olympian, and blogger at Life on the Edge:

This is a classic struggle for control and it seems to be prevalent throughout skating. We saw it at the Basic Skills level and we saw it up until about a year ago.

Without going into detail, the one thing a parent has to remember is that the coach is an employee, not an employer. You pay the bills, and as it is in any workplace, there is a little matter of accountability. I think the biggest issue is that parents don’t set the ground rules early on. My suggestion: Have a serious conversation before a single blade hits the ice in a lesson. Outline a cooperative plan for communication (a “business plan,” if you will); do a “90 day review;” expect a year-end meeting and evaluation, goals setting for the coming year and a regular schedule of meetings. That doesn’t mean that a parent can intrude on a coach’s private time, make a ton of late-night phone calls or spam the coach with emails. A smart coach will value his or her time and charge an overbearing parent for that time at the same rate as he or she charges for lesson time. That’s just good business. A great plan, set and agreed to in advance, can avoid all that anyway.

I am not suggesting that this has to be adversarial at all. View it like any other vendor you employ and put in charge of something you value – in this case, your child. You wouldn’t turn your car over to a mechanic without knowing what to expect. You wouldn’t turn your business over to a manager without accountability and a plan in place. Why, then, would you turn your child over to a coach, who will be a huge influence on them both on and off the ice, without a business agreement and a plan of action? Proper planning produces preferred results with a minimum of misunderstanding and missed communication.
From C.L., a parent of a 9-year-old figure skater:
Switch coaches and rinks :) or she could ask her coach to put together a non-lesson practice sheet for her daughter. For example, type of skill and number of times she should practice it, for each non-lesson time. Also, an off ice pilates/yoga/stretching checklist would be helpful too.

From S.F.:
Does the skater have a notebook/spiral notebook for the coach to make a few notes on during the lesson? Then the skater would know what to practice before her next lesson and mom would have some info about what happened during the lesson. One tactic I have used until I get to know the coach is not hand the check to  Amy. This forces the coach to come off the ice to get their check. The parent then has an brief opportunity to speak with the coach.  

From Kel, a parent of a 9-year-old figure skater:
When we started with my daughter's coach, she actually gave her a binder which included her on- and off-ice practice lists, a tab for competitions, a tab for ice contracts.  I wonder if the parent has directly asked the coach what the student should be doing between lessons.  Perhaps, this coach does not frequently deal with newer skaters that would need this kind of guidance?  I can imagine that someone that more regularly deals with higher level skaters would not have provided my skater the same attention.  I'd just talk with the coach and tell her what you think your skater needs -- give her notice that you want a few minutes so she has time to talk.  Nothing worse than a parent that demands a bunch of attention when the coach has ten other things she needs to be tending to...

From S.G., whose daughter switched coaches last year. It was awkward.

I have learned from experience that when hiring a coach for your child you need to interview them first. And, yes, you are hiring them. How do they teach? Is there teaching style compatible with your child's? What do they expect from you as a parent and what do you expect from them as coaches? If they are not meeting your expectations, then you need to communicate with them. A majority of the time it will not be right after or before a lesson. You may have to call or E mail them. If you do this and things still do not get better, then you may need to find another coach for your child. With each experience you learn quickly what is important to you and your child. It is easier to be proactive rather then reactive. Good Luck!

From Ice Mom:
I know of a coach who makes a list of skills for the skater to work on. If the skater is a pre-reader, she includes photos. She takes the photos from competitions, prints them out, and shows the skater visually what to do.
As far at the communication problem, I have no idea why the coaches at your rink won't talk to parents. I know of a few coaches like that, but for the most part, coaches in the clubs Ice Girl skates in communicate with parents. It sounds like a rink culture thing, which is too bad. I would suggest breaking that unspoken rule and pretending you don't know it exists. After all, you're paying for this.
Update: From Sk8rmom, who is a genius. Want to switch coaches in a classy way? Scroll down the comments, find hers, and read the whole thing. It's terrific.
 
Update:  Great advice from reader jumpingbeanmom: Go ahead and ask! I do know that some coaches like to talk via phone etc. if they have back to back students. If you don't get the attention you think you and your skater should get, look for another coach. My girls have notebooks as well as a whole book of stuff from their coach with practice expectations and the like.

Update: From reader Idratherbeontheice who had a difficult coach. Or two: I don't want to sound too harsh, but I had a two coaches like that once, and me and my mom have both found that just getting a new coach is the best solution. My mom tried talking to them, talking to the head coach at my rink, and all other sorts of things, but it didn't help very much. We finally changed coaches twice, and lucked out with my current coach. Altogether, we've found that with some coaches, talking doesn't make a big difference.

Update: From reader Anonymous who thinks many coaches are divas: I totally agree with this parent. Our daughter is also in other activities and sports and none of our sports/arts experiences has been anything like skating. I am totally frustrated with the skating culture. I think skating has an archaic culture which puts the needs of the coaches before the rights of the parents. Figure skating needs to be more attentive to the concerns of the present day consumer.

I think there are a lot of diva coaches which naturally follows from their years of being diva skaters. They don't want to COMMUNICATE with the parents they just want to TELL us what's what. No questions, please, thank you very much.

Update: From Canadian reader Falyn S who is v. satisifed with her daughter's coach: My daughters coach made up a book with a daily practice log (which has everything from off-ice warm up, stroking, spins, jumps, footwork, combos, and solo on it with how many times she should do each session and my daughter checks them off when completed) [...]

Update: From one of my favorite commenters, reader Season Williams, a figure skating mom and an adult skater: Coaches that are worth your time and money will be more than happy to have a meeting with you or speak with you over the phone. If you have a coach who is not willing to speak with you directly (in-person or by phone) than you should consider getting a new coach. 

Do you have any suggestions for this mom? How do you make the practice thing work? How do you make the coach-parent communication thing work? Please include your experiences in the comments!

Do you have a question for Ice Mom and the Advisory Board? Feel free to suggest a topic or write a guest post and share your wisdom, too! E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com.  

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26 comments:

  1. Go ahead and ask! I do know that some coaches like to talk via phone etc. if they have back to back students. If you don't get the attention you think you and your skater should get, look for another coach. My girls have notebooks as well as a whole book of stuff from their coach with practice expectations and the like.

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  2. IdratherbeontheiceMarch 3, 2010 at 8:39 AM

    I don't want to sound too harsh, but I had a two coaches like that once, and me and my mom have both found that just getting a new coach is the best solution. My mom tried talking to them, talking to the head coach at my rink, and all other sorts of things, but it didn't help very much. We finally changed coaches twice, and lucked out with my current coach. Altogether, we've found that with some coaches, talking doesn't make a big difference. They're either really into what and who they're teaching, or they don't.
    Good luck with whatever you choose!

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  3. I totally agree with this parent. Our daughter is also in other activities and sports and none of our sports/arts experiences has been anything like skating. I am totally frustrated with the skating culture. I think skating has an archaic culture which puts the needs of the coaches before the rights of the parents. Figure skating needs to be more attentive to the concerns of the present day consumer.

    I think there are a lot of diva coaches which naturally follows from their years of being diva skaters. They don't want to COMMUNICATE with the parents they just want to TELL us what's what. No questions, please, thank you very much.

    We're on our 3rd coach in as many years. We've had 2 young coaches, and now we have a more experienced coach which is going well, but I still have some concerns. One of our biggest gripes with the young coaches was that they had so many students that they weren't spending quality time with each student. Yes, they would show up for the lesson, but they didn't prepare for the lesson or set goals with the skaters. They never explained to our daughter how to effectively use her practice ice. They were pretty much "fly by the seat of your pants" coaches who were more concerned about making money than properly training skaters.

    In one of Xan's posts, she suggested that we shouldn't inquire too much about the relationship between our skater and her coach. I agree to an extent. We shouldn't try to interfere with the relationship between the coach and the skater; however, we're paying the bills and I feel it's our responsibility to hold the coach and skater accountable for their time together. There needs to be a serious commitment from both parties (skater and coach) when it comes to lessons or I stop paying for the fun and games on the ice.

    I have learned to speak up (firmly but nicely) when something doesn't seem right. But, after leaving 2 coaches in 2 years, I'm worried that I may have a reputation as a "problem parent" and other coaches are not going to want to work with us.

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  4. My daughters coach made up a book with a daily practice log (which has everything from off-ice warm up, stroking, spins, jumps, footwork, combos, and solo on it with how many times she should do each session and my daughter checks them off when completed); Program(solo) practice log (where she has written every element my daughter does in her solo, with date at the top, and blocks next to them stating whether she completed, fell, missed or popped the element); it has a "contract" saying things like: I will commit myself to... Being on time, wearing proper attire, believing in myself, drinking/bringing water to all sessions, showing respect to others, etc. etc.(there's a bunch of them:) and at the end the skater and coach both sign it; there's a goal setting sheet (short term & long term); goal sheet for tests/competitions my daughter would like to complete; her coach has also put in her contact info. and other info she feels we should have. Each week at the end of the ice time my daughter brings her coach her book and her coach looks at it while my daughter is taking her skates off and she will give her a sticker on the book. Mind you my daughter is 7 and this is her first year in STARSkate (we're from Canada) but her coach and I found she would come off the ice and ask me what to do next, so the coach decided to give her her book. I think it's a great thing to have.

    I speak with my daughters coach regularly. I'm always asking questions, even though was also a figure skater.

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  5. Hey, jumpingbeanmom!

    I think you're right. If the coach isn't a good fit for you and your communication needs, switch coaches!

    Thanks for the comment!

    Ice Mom

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  6. Hi, Idratherbeontheice!

    You know what I thought was most interesting about your comment? This line:

    [...]and lucked out with my current coach.

    We lucked out with our first and only coach, but it can be hard to find a coach who is a good match, isn't it?

    Ice Mom

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  7. Hi, Anony.

    I hadn't thought of having a reputation as a problem parent.

    Could you e-mail me? This might make a good post all by itself.

    icemom.diane@gmail.com

    Thanks!

    Diane

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  8. Hey, FalynS!

    Thanks for telling us how things work in Canada!

    I think that your daughter's coach is someone you should hold onto with both hands!

    Ice Mom

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  9. I switched coaches for my younger one about 2 months ago. She is 9 and 'now' has up to double toe loop, working double loop and has landed some double flips. The thing is, I thought her old coach was holding her back and I was stupid enough to continue to waste her time, my time and my money on it talking. Nothing ever really changed. I am stunned at the difference in the coaching style of her new team- their expectations, the way they push her, the way they communicate with her and I about what she should be doing, her goals etc. and how they spend their time with her- I never realized it could be another way and I would never wait that long to make a change again. Live and learn.

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  10. You know, jumpingbeanmom, having a good fit is so important, isn't it?

    I like what you said, though: [...] never realized it could be another way[...]

    I think a lot of people are in that same situation.

    Thanks!

    Ice Mom

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  11. My daughter's freestyle/moves coach requires every skater to keep a figure skating notebook. This notebook contains a schedule of what to practice when not in lessons (which helps greatly as we travel a long distance for these lessons) and after each lesson my daughter must make notes about things she was told. Her dance coach does not require this, but it has carried over to her dance lessons and I have seen this benefit.

    I will admit that it takes a bit on the parent's part also to keep this going with younger children, but you could even develop it yourself if the coach did not give input.

    Either way I think there should be communication in some manner. They are your employee and you are trusting them with your most cherished possession.

    And Yes Ice Mom I am guessing we ran into each other at some time during BSG as Sk8nLane skated Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

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  12. Hey, Sk8nLane!

    Ice Girl skated Fri., Sat., and Sun. at BSG. It's a ball, isn't it?

    Anyway, I think you're right. My daughter is my most cherished possession. I think the coach-student-parent relationship should be a positive one. She's my baby, my only baby!. (Thank God, too! I couldn't afford two in skating!

    Ice Mom

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  13. Totally, Ice Mom- I had NO idea that all coaches weren't like the original. 25 minutes and not a moment more- but THIS team, is informally teaching her ALL the time, even on practice days and they do that with ALL their students so nobody minds. If they have 10 minutes, they'll grab a few of them and do spins or something, they do program run throughs etc. all informally and won't LET me give them extra money for any of it.

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  14. As a coach for many years I can say I've seen this quite a bit but there are coaches out there who do lay out practices and speak to parents. My students always had "practice journals" where we would take 2 minutes at the end of her lesson to write down what they should be working on. I almost, ALWAYS, talked to the parents directly after every lesson and filled them in on their child's progress. Some coaches may have difficulty with this if there is a limited amount of workable ice time and they are trying to see as many students as possible. However, my student's parents always had my cell phone number or email address if they wanted to contact me with questions. I believe a lot of the reason I am like this as a coach is because that's how my coach was. Growing up my parents often sat in the hockey players boxes near my coach in order for them to communicate during my lessons so they knew what I need to practice. My parents weren't pushy either, my coach insisted they do that.

    When I first started coaching at a particular rink I had a lot of kids switch coaches to come work with me. The parents felt like I was much more approachable and they were getting a higher return on their money.

    My suggestion is if you aren't happy with your coach it may be time to find a new one. Talking to other parents at the rink can give you a better feel for the other coaches teaching method.

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  15. Just a quick question. The coach hasn't given the skater anything to work on or the coach hasn't communicated to the parent what the skater should be working on? These are two different situations.

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  16. The best time to speak with a coach at our rink is when the zamboni is resurfacing the ice. This can still be difficult because their may be more than one parent who wants to speak with the coach.

    If you need more than a few minutes of a coaches time than you should contact the coach either by phone or email and ask to have a private meeting with them at the rink or have the coach call you and speak with them over the phone about the matters that are concerning you as a parent.

    If your skater is in LTS group lessons than you should speak with the skating director of the LTS program about what your skater should be practicing between lessons. The USFSA LTS program also provides information about what skills are taught during LTS group lessons.

    Coaches that are worth your time and money will be more than happy to have a meeting with you or speak with you over the phone. If you have a coach who is not willing to speak with you directly (in-person or by phone) than you should consider getting a new coach.

    As far as what your child should be practicing between lessons. They should be practicing whatever is being taught during the lesson and previous skills they have already learned so these skill continue to remain strong. If your child can not remember what skills the coach has taught during a lesson and you do not have a clue what the skills are then I highly recommend getting a skating journal and have your skater or the coach write down the new skills they are taught during the lesson in the journal. Be aware there are some times when the coach may not have time to write down what the skater should be practicing during every lesson. If they have not written new skills in the journal than have your skater practice skills they have already learned or that are already written in their journal.

    It is also a great idea for you and your skater to become familiar with the names of the skating skills they are learning. There are great websites and books that have information about skating skills.

    Also if you go the USFSA website you can get a CDROM of the USFSA rule book which lists all the skills the skater needs to learn for testing. You can also get a hard copy of the rule book mailed to your home.

    I think all skating families should have a copy of the USFSA rule book or the ISI rule book as a reference guide. Your coach can tell you what level your skater is, and let you know what skills your skater has taught. That way you can look up all the skating skills the skater should be working on at that level. Hopefully this is helpful.

    Skating mom for 12 years and adult skater, Season Williams

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  17. Another super topic!

    We were also very lucky and our skater's learn 2 skate coach is the coach we continued on with for private lessons. I'll always remember when we made the decision to go private and told him, the first thing he asked was "would you like me to help you find a coach or would you like to continue with me?" Yikes! with you of course LOL! Plus one for him!

    One thing he said recently (we've been with him for almost 4 years) is very applicable to this situation.

    He said that people sometimes think that the coaches have so much influence on a skater, but that really, it's the parents that influence them the most. The coach sees them maybe for an hour a week, the parents much more than that.

    That said, I think it's important for you to know what is going on with your skater and communication is key here.

    If you don't know what is being expected, how can you help foster those expectations. USFS has a chart on the Skating Team, that consists of at the minimum (for young skaters) the Skater, Coaches and Parents. Not just the Skater and Coach.

    This is a relationship, it might not be perfect, but you can all work on it. If one party is not willing to work, then it can't happen. Though our Coach is amazing in many ways, communication wasn't always the best, but we work on it. I do my part and ask questions when I don't understand. It's a give and take.

    If your situation is not working, and you have raised your concerns and met with a brick wall, then by all means make a change after careful consideration. Don't get stuck on a treadmill going to nowhere. The families I see that made a change were really stressed at the time, but have since been very happy with the decision.

    I think that the "problem parent reputation" can be avoided if you

    1. Educate yourself. Read everything you can get your hands on. talk to other parents (though with caution). Listen to other people's experiences. USFS has handouts on these topics and blogs like this one and others are great resources to learn of other people's experiences.

    2. Make a move with thought and consideration.

    3. Don't hop from coach to coach. Do your research. Observe other parents and students working with that coach. Talk to other parents to see what their skater's goals are, are they similar to your child. Do the values that coach exudes seem to mesh with your child. Do you feel comfortable "having a relationship" with that coach. Are you willing to work on this relationship with this person. Does your child like the new prospective coach?

    4. Close the old relationship in a professional way. Start the new one with your cards on the table. State what you need in terms of communication, find out if the coach is willing to work with this. etc.

    4. Give the new coach a fair shake. Don't expect miracles in a short amount of time. Relationships take time to build. Skating is a journey, not an event.

    One other thing that is very valuable is that after you have done your job and hired the coach, let them do their job. Step back and be the parent, not the coach. Trust them to get the job done. Support your skater emotionally and with praise. Their coach will do the rest.

    Good luck!!! I wish everyone a great coach, each child and family deserve one!
    sk8rmom

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  18. totally off subject, but can I just say how happy I am you are blogging more. love it!! keep up the great work and fab topics ice mom!

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  19. Hi, Anonymous.

    You raise a good point: did the coach give the kid something to work on and not tell the parent or is there just no communication?

    When I taught, we had a saying at parent-teacher conferences: Mrs. Whatever, you believe half of what your kid says about me and I'll believe half of what she says about you!

    Ice Mom

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  20. Hi, Summerilla. Thanks for the comment.

    I have a good relationship with Ice Coach. I feel like she's very approachable and I feel like I am, too.

    That's one of the things I look for in a coach, but not everyone is like that.

    Maybe some coaches, like some teachers, are afraid of parents. I'm trying to rationalize here, but it's possible.

    Ice Mom

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  21. Sk8rmom:

    You are a genius. I'm going to make your comment a post all by itself. It's like a guide book to switching coaches. Thank you.

    Ice Mom

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  22. ohjennran - thank you for your kind words! I had planned on posting three times a week, but, well, I'm going to give five times a week a shot!

    Thanks for reading!

    Ice Mom

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  23. Season! It's always nice to hear from you!

    Could you please e-mail me? icemom.diane@gmail.com

    Thanks!

    Ice Mom

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  24. It's the question for all times.Every parents protect their children from the world.And coach want to make them strong.On the ice rink there is only one parent-coach.

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  25. This is a great topic and people will have many different opinions on it. My daughter is a USFS skater and has had the same coach since she began skating 6 years ago. Many parents at our rink don't like her and feel she is too "business like".My daughter loves her and has done really well with her.She sets goals and expectations for her and keeps me informed of her progress either by chatting with me when I pick her up at the rink,a phone call,or e-mail.If you feel that your child isn't getting what he/she wants or needs from the coaching/athlete relationship then you may need to switch coaches. Be very careful doing this though. I know a few parents at our rink who've done this because the coach may not have advanced the child quickly,etc. and it hasn't turned out well. The parents have become known as "problem parents",etc. My role as a parent is to cheer my daughter on and support her emotionally if she has a bad day. I let her coach do the figure skating coaching.

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  26. Hey, Anony.

    Great comment, thank you very much. I think you're right. The coach/student thing has to be a good relationship.

    I'm an education writer. My favorite cognitive scientist, Daniel Willingham of the University of Virginia wrote in his book Why Don't Students Like School? that the single most important factor in whether a student learns is her connection with her teacher. It is twice as important as number two, teacher organization. Number three is teacher instructional skills. Number four is teacher knowledge. In other words, motivation is amazingly important. Skill and knowledge are surprisingly far down on the list.

    I'm not saying your coach isn't knowledgeable. What I am saying is the fact that your skater has a connection with her is very, very important.

    I think people should consider that factor when they're thinking of switching coaches.

    Ice Mom

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