Monday, October 5, 2009

Hey, Mom. Stop Coaching from the Stands


This post is courtesy of Cap’n Obvious (left). However, some moms don’t recognize Cap’n Obvious, even when he’s staring back at them from across the hockey glass. This post is for them.

I’m sure every rink has one of these figure skating moms: she’s in the stands, behind the hockey glass, shouting instructions to her figure skater like: “Hold your landings,” or “You’re wide stepping.” You might even have seen this mom pull her figure skater off the ice to lecture the skater about edges.

Mom thinks she’s helping. I know she does. The truth is: she’s not.

Look, Mom. You’re not a coach. And if you are, you know better.

Your role: be your skater’s number-one fan. That’s it. You’re in charge of encouragement and making sure that your skater turns out to be a normal human being.

You are not to shout instructions to your skater from the stands, the hockey box, or the mini van. Mom, you pay good money to qualified coaches for that instruction. Do not interfere. You are in charge of mental health and a normal life. And driving. And paying the bills. But not coaching. Coaching is for coaches. Skating is for skaters. Parenting is for parents.

Mom, your amateur coaching is harmful. You know that money you pay coaches? Well, if you’re coaching on the stands, add a lesson or two for the coach to undo your damage. Include some self-doubt in your extra lesson calculations for the complex you’re giving your skater. Your skater wants to please you, Mom, but also wants to please her coach. Whom should she follow?

You’re also pressuring the poor kid. Kids are not widgets that perform the same as other kids, learn the same way as other kids, or progress as fast as other kids. They are people, not gears or cogs. People are different from one another, so you can’t expect your kid to learn a jump at the same rate as some other kid. You can’t stress out because another skater has passed a moves test and your skater hasn’t. Your sidelines coaching puts pressure on your skater and will delay her progress instead of furthering it. Plus, she’ll never feel free to make mistakes and learn from them. Add some extra professional coaching lessons to compensate for that, too.

Your in-the-stands coaching is also pretty awkward. Shouting from the stands distracts other skaters. They worry about the pressure you’re putting on their friend, but they also worry that maybe their moms will think that amateur coaching is a good idea, too. Moms who recognize that in-the-stands coaching is a no-no look away from you when you shout and move their blankets to another part of the bleachers.

Some of you might feel your skater traps you into the amateur coaching role. I’ve seen skaters ask Mom how a spin or jump looked. Mom struggles to say something intelligent, but that’s where it all goes wrong.

Here’s what you say, Mom, when your skater asks you for feedback, “It looked great, honey. You’ll have to show your coach.”

Stick to the script, Mom. Deviating from the script leads to long-term trouble with amateur coaching. Resist. Be strong. Smile, nod, and wave the kid back out on the ice.

That’s not to say that parenting from the stands isn’t a good thing. It’s a fabulous thing. Want to parent from the stands? Here’s how:

  1. Watch your skater and give her a periodic thumbs-up.
  2. Sit with other moms and clap for every skater when each one finishes a program.
  3. Smile and nod whenever your skater asks for feedback or approaches the hockey glass for a conversation. Do not say anything; just keep smiling and nodding.
  4. When your skater stands around at the boards and chats with friends, wave her over, give her a stern look, and make a skating motion. It’s perfectly fine for Mom to tell skaters to use their ice time well.
  5. You can do anything the coach authorizes you to do. I’m authorized to do a ride ’em cowboy motion whenever Ice Girl does a rodeo arm movement with her lutz. That’s great fun, I tell you.
  6. Be your skater’s biggest fan. Watch her and let her know that what she’s doing is important and interesting.
  7. Hugs and love. When skater comes off the ice in tears, offer the hug. When skater comes off the ice with a smile, offer the hug. 
Update: Counterpoint from reader Anonymous (thanks, Anony!):

I agree with you coaching from stand with so many people around will probably do more harm than good. but I think you go too far by saying parents shouldn't make any technical comments on any or most circumstances.

I am sure there are parents out there who played gymnastics, ballet or even ice skate etc... who have some valuable experiences who can share with their kids ... like how to rotate the body efficiently, how to transfer weight properly etc... I believe they are qualify to comment on the skaters. Of course it doesn't mean they becomes an authority higher than than the coach.

What I am trying to say is, no one should feel guilty by DEEPLY participating in your child's sports. If you have previous experiences in related sports, feel free to do it. It is a blessing that you can discuss with your child at that level. if you do it properly and respectfully, you can have a more intimate relationship with your child. I would love to see my daughter come to talk/share with me about the technical details of the jump that she knows I may not 100% understand but knows enough to chat or help her to spot the problem. Rather than having her thinking - "mom won't understand the frustration of my axel problem, I would rather talk to my friends."

There is nothing wrong with trying to understand and/or comment things like ... why your right leg is not straight while you are rotating or why your head you not moving to the left when you are in the air.

The only thing that you should feel guilty is...to undermine the authority of your coach or criticize/embarrass your kid in public.

Update: From the Professional Skater's Association's Ten Commandments for Figure Skating Parents: III Thou shalt not coach your child. You have taken your child to a professional coach - do not undermine that performance by trying to coach your child on the side. Your job is to support and love your child no matter what, and the coach is responsible for the technical part of the job.

Update: From USFSA's Parent Information: 10. Turn your child over to the coach at practices and competitions – don't meddle or coach from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Season: We also do not want to live our lives through our children. We as parents if we want to be skaters then we need to get out our skates take some lessons and get on the ice with our children. You can be more supportive on the ice sharing in what they are learning than you can ever be coaching from the sidelines.

Update: From reader Helicopter Mom: I AM trying to pay closer attention during her lessons (I used to sit in the warm room and read a book!) so that on sessions when she has no lesson (and I can pry her away from her chatty friends), she can't hit me with "I don't know what to practice!" So I try to see what the coach is working on with her so I can remind her that she might want to try working on that.

Update: Ateam on the Edge posted the profile of the skating parents we all try to avoid at the rink. Read about Dragon Lady and Darth Vader. 

So, parents, what do you think? Got a cure for the amateur coaching mom? Do you have a suggestion for sideline parenting? Leave your suggestions in the comments!

22 comments:

  1. I'm so guilty of coaching from the stands, hockey box, and even the bathroom! Actually tonight I found myself coaching from the monitor box! Thanks ice-mom for reminding me that I'm soo much better off watching while hiding....

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  2. I think a lot of parents that are 'trying' to coach have never set foot on the ice. They do not know how hard it can be to skate. I agree with you that you should leave the coaching to the coaches and the parents to be a positive role model it the child's life. I'm also quilty of being frustrated that my daughter can't seem to get her one foot spin. I know it will come.

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  3. I agree with you coaching from stand with so many people around will probably do more harm than good. but i think you go too far by saying parents shouldn't make any technical comments on any or most circumstances.

    I am sure there are parents out there who played gymnastics, ballet or even ice skate etc... who have some valuable experiences who can share with their kids ... like how to rotate the body efficiently, how to transfer weight
    properly etc... I believe they are qualify to comment on the skaters. of course it doesn't mean they becomes an authority higher than than the coach.

    what i am trying to say is, no one should feel guilty by DEEPLY participating in your child's sports. if you have previous experiences in related sports, feel free to do it. It is a blessing that you can discuss with your child at that level. if you do it properly and respectfully, you can have a more intimate relationship with your child. I would love to see my daughter come to talk/share with me about the technical details of the jump that she knows I may not 100% understand but knows enough to chat or help her to spot the problem. Rather than having her thinking - "mom won't understand the frustration of my axel problem, i would rather talk to my friends".

    there is nothing wrong with trying to understand and/or comment things like ... why your right leg is not straight while you are rotating or why your head you not moving to the left when you are in the air.

    the only thing that you should feel guilty is...to undermine the authority of your coach or criticize/embarrass your kid in public.

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  4. Awesome counterpoint, Anonymous! I think learning from your skater is a great thing.

    I am pretty uncomfortable with offering suggestions unless the coach specifically asks me for input.

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  5. I think if you have had experience with skating and you know small elements that will help your skater improve and you have seen your childs coach offer the same instruction in a lesson, it is okay to remind your skater of these elements of instruction. Also a wonderful investment for a skater to help them remember between lessons what they have been taught and need to work on is a skating journal.
    However, if you see that your sideline coaching is frustrating or upsetting to your skater and they are trying their best to practice what they have been taught, then you need to tell the skater to take a break from the element maybe even go get a drink of water and take a few deep breaths and have the skater work on the element during their next practice session or wait until their next lesson to get more instruction on how to improve the element.
    I have been very guilty of coaching from the sidelines. I have had experience with skating in the past so I felt it was okay to be my daughters second coach. I have found now that it is very difficult to break my daughter from the habit of coming to me to help her with skating. She has far surpassed my expertise and I've told her that now she needs to rely only on her coaches instruction and I'm constantly telling her ask your coach. I've started adding more lesson time so that she has time available to ask her coach but it has been hard cutting the apron strings. If you don't get into the habit you will never have to break the habit.

    It is very hard for a mom who has been a skater to sit on the sidelines and watch your child struggle especially when you know what they are doing wrong.
    It is very good advice to be a good parent and not a second coach. Our children need our love and support not our criticism.

    We also do not want to live our lives through our children. We as parents if we want to be skaters then we need to get out our skates take some lessons and get on the ice with our children. You can be more supportive on the ice sharing in what they are learning than you can ever be coaching from the sidelines.

    I have recently went back to skating and now the roles are reversed and my previous coaching from the sidelines is coming back to haunt me because now my daughter is coaching me. (She helps out with my synchro team) It's a lot more fun skating with my daughter and being proud of what I can learn from her expertise. Having fun with your children will create life long moments that they will cherish forever and that is what true love is all about. Season

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  6. Thanks for the comment, Season! Me, I don't skate. No one should ever come to me for advice about their double-pointy-toe-thing.

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  7. Great post which hits too close to home! Unfortunately the "parent coaching from the stands" at our club will not see herself in this discription--she knows ALL (about everything) and will correct even professionals. When is it appropriate for another parent or coach to make a comment to the offender?

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  8. Hi, Anony.

    O.K. Awkward. I suggest you bring your concern to your club's board. Does your club have a bylaw on the books that forbids sideline coaching? If so, ask them to enforce it. If not, ask them to write one. When they're writing it, make sure to give it teeth. In other words, ask them to include consequences.

    Best wishes for success!

    Ice Mom

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  9. I love your column, Ice Mom!!! As for me, I know nothing about skating but lately if I don't sit in the hockey box, my daughter does a little more chatting than skating (always frustrating to watch that money trickle down the drain...). So I've been sitting out there, listening to the other moms coach their kids. And I felt bad because I don't know how to do that! So thank you for telling me that I'm not supposed to. THAT is what I pay the coach for. That said, I AM trying to pay closer attention during her lessons (I used to sit in the warm room and read a book!) so that on sessions when she has no lesson (and I can pry her away from her chatty friends), she can't hit me with "I don't know what to practice!" So I try to see what the coach is working on with her so I can remind her that she might want to try working on that. And when all else fails, I have her work on Shoot the Ducks (to get her sit spin lower). She always "remembers" what she really NEEDS to be working on when I ask her that...

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  10. Hey, Helicopter!

    I'm with you: I hate seeing Ice Girl waste time at the boards. I tell her, "Move it, Speed Bump!"

    I think that creating a list of stuff to practice and keeping it in the skater's binder is very healthy. I make Ice Girl do this. If I see her loitering too much, I'll call Ice Coach. Ha! Watch Speed Bump move when I have my cell phone in my hand!

    Very smart to eavesdrop on lessons so you can give your skater something to work on. I fully support that.

    Best wishes for success!

    Ice Mom

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  11. My daughters coach would not tolerate that kind of behavior.

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  12. You beat me to it re coaching from the stands. I will talk about it more in my blog coming up but with a slightly different perspective.

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  13. I can't wait for your post, ATeam! I'll be sure to link to it from this one so folks can get a rounded perspective.

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  14. One of my favorite skating moments EVER.............

    An eight year old basic skills skater was on the ice during a freestyle session practicing. She was working on something that she had just learned and kept falling again and again and again.
    Each time she fell, her dad would stand up from his seat in the bleachers and yell things like "Stop falling!" and "Get up!" and "Why do you keep doing that wrong? When are you going to stop falling?
    One time after she fell, the dad yelled "This stuff is easy, why can't you do it?"
    The little girl stood up, put her hands on her hips and yelled "IF YOU THINK IT'S SO EASY WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN HERE AND DO IT YOURSELF?!?!?"

    That part was great, but it got better when all the parents in the bleachers immediately started clapping and the father got up and walked out of the arena.

    Awesome!

    I really liked Season's comments. It's difficult to watch your kid practice doing something incorrectly, especially when they are falling. In that case, I generally make suggestions, however, my daughter rarely listens to my suggestions anyway.
    The funny thing is that when I do tell her what she's doing wrong she usually rolls her eyes and says "that's what my coach told me too."

    The worst is when the parent coaches their skater during a lesson. The poor kid doesn't know who to listen to. I have seen this happen all too often.

    I once had a skater's mom tell me how to choreograph her daughter's program. She (the mom) did the program for me in the lobby at the rink.

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  15. I was a professional ballerina, and at least once at every practice, a coach (other than my daughter's coach) will ask me another way to explain a move or body position. My daughter's coach and I have a unique relationship in that I am involved in her off-ice training to help her coach with on-ice skills. This soulds weird, but it works for my daughter.

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  16. Hello, Anony. I think your coach was right to ask your expert guidance on body positions.

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  17. OMG!!!! Some of the things I'v read that parents are doing from the sidelines is incredible. A dad yelling at his daughter not to fall. A mom sideline coaching during her childs lessons. Another mom telling a coach how to choreograph a program. This is utterly rediculous. I feel sorry for the coaches who have to put up with these parents. I give a lot of credit to the little girl who stood up to her dad. I know that took a lot of strength. I know I've been guilty of sideline coaching but this takes it to another level.

    Thank you ice mom for your blog. I hope more sideline coaching parents get a chance to read the posts for this blog entry and learn from what they have read.

    Thank you to Jellibean for referencing my post in her comment.
    I have been guilty of being too hard on my daughter and she has had tears from my sideline coaching at times. But I always try to temper my behavior with comments of loving encouragement and I'm not ashamed to admit when I'm wrong and appologize to my daughter. I hope all parents of athletes realize that all our children want is our approval and when we act in this rediculous manner it is only hurting our children. This is the kind of pain they will carry with them for a lifetime.

    Please I encourage all the skating parents who read this to pass this information on to other parents so they can learn from our mistakes or encourage others to stand up to parents who are essentially verbally abusing their children. I know many people will think that is a harsh statment but sometimes the truth hurts. We all need to take a long look in the mirror and stop living our lives through our kids and start giving our children the love, appreciation and admiration they deserve for all their hard work. Season

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  18. Well, I'm not a parent but I can speak from a skater's perspective.

    My mom often used my 2-3 hour sessions of skating to go have 'me-time'. I understand that perfectly well, so it was a treat when she wanted to stay and watch. But she knew a lot about the sport because my first coach (who coached me for 5 years) and her had a really good communicative relationship. Mom knew what was going on, even if she wasn't always there to watch.

    I wouldn't say she delivered pointers in the, uh, best way but they still helped. At the time we didn't have a video camera so mom was the video camera, able to tell me in precise details what was great and what was not great about a specific move.

    Now, admittedly, sometimes I wished she'd hush up but most times I really valued her input. She was also good at helping combat the "I don't know what to practice" days.

    I think it could depend a lot on the skater but a lot on the parent. My mom was careful to tell me what was good as well as bad without sugar coating anything. She was also good when I'd have falling days. She used to tell me I didn't have a good practice if I didn't fall at least a couple of times.

    I think if the parent/skater have a good relationship and the parent/coach have a good relationship, sidelines coaching can be a benefit, IF the parent knows what they are talking about.

    Bad example: Suzy, go back out and do that double turny jump thing and hold it when you land.

    Good example: That was a good try but you didn't pull your arms in tight enough. Try pulling them up and in. Your legs had really good form. Really try to throw yourself up into the axel. It is looking better than last week though, keep it up.


    I think it's good to start positive and end positive. That can really help the mood, to kind of sugar coat it or sandwich bad news in between good news.

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  19. Actually, the coaches at our rink encourage parents to be familiar with skating, learn about it, learn their kids programs, and teach the parents exactly what to look for in specific moves. We are in a fairly poor area of the country, and if parents didn't become savvy pretty quickly, we'd have no competitive skaters at all. No one would dare dream of coaching a child on a double jump, but as far as stretching while stroking or holding specific arm positions or telling a lutz from a flutz, we just don't have the money to pay for coaching session at every practice.

    Also, yes, exactly - at competitions, we are up against skaters who have far more in the way of coaching dollars and who can afford professional coaches as well as choreographers. Plenty of parents have enough dance or gymnastics or even theater experience that they can give pointers or be a "mirror" for their kids on the ice.

    Of course, never undermine the coach or coach "ahead" of where the skater is. But as far as reminders and some pointers, if we didn't have parents helping out as needed, we'd have a lot of very frustrated skaters quitting because they couldn't afford more professional coaching.

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  20. There is a HUGE difference between saying, dont waste your ice time,pull in tighter, land on your toe, to coaching your skater. I understand and myself say things like go skate,land on your toe.But the issue is with parents that scream, throw fits, say mean things ect. I just saw a mom have her daughter try to do a D/A at least 50 times in a session, and the girl fell over and over again.She hadnt been taught it, but the mom wanted her to learn it NOW.The girl just went to Japan for more training for a year. Alone.
    I think it sends a poor message to have parents acting like coaches.It makes me sad inside and to be honest my kids dont like to be around the skaters/parents that act like that.
    We live in a small place as well, and telling skaters to warm up, run laps,stretch ect is fine. Not yelling at them the whole time they are on the ice.

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  21. Interesting post. My daughter is a perfectionist. She is working on her change foot spin and is having trouble with the middle part. I told her it is looking good. She got mad at me and told me it was terrible. When I asked her what I was supposed to say, she told me to say nothing until she got it right. So I started to just smile and give a thumbs up. That got me in trouble too! "Why do you smile when I do a terrible spin/jump/etc.?" Sigh.... preteen + puberty... need I say more? LOL

    IF I do coach, it is only things the coach told me things to point out to her, like when she is skating too wide. And, because of my background in dance, I sometimes comment on her posture and extensions. I really need to get a video camera because she thinks she is extending, and I think seeing for herself will help. I so love the times when her coach will tell me that she told my daughter to work on an extension, etc., and she will reply with "That is what my mom told me." LOL!

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  22. Love the discussion here. very busy looking for new soccer shoes.

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